I have several maternal figures in my life. On New Years Eve I got the same message from all of them. "I wished that this is the year you get married.” No pressure at all, long trunk calls, text messages beeping, emails swishing. I just wished for happiness, whatever that means.

I was sitting in bed when I had a eureka moment. I was thinking, "I am alone, I am alone, what could be the solution to my worries? A LOAN!” Wow I got it, the answer was there all the time. A loan – that’s simple.

My friend told me how it’s done. "Look Bro, you’ll never get a classy chick on your kidogo dimes. You need to STYLE UP - an upgrade. There’s this package…it can get you hooked up. Forget your bu-one one ways and move on.”

He gave me a number of a man who could help my plight. Was he a dating consultant? "Kind of, you could call him that. He makes marriage possible, give him a call.” He even had a card.

I called him on Monday, his office was in a bank. I waited patiently while he dealt with another sweaty customer. His office was air-conditioned, his tag said Chief Credit Officer. I guess he did dating consultancy on the side, he leaned back and twirled his thick wedding band.

"They tell me you have a problem with women.” I nodded nervously hiding my shame. "That can all be taken care of. Our starter package is 5 mil, that should get you noticed.

But if you want marriage then you are looking at 10 mil plus.” I said I didn’t have the money. That was really steep, and at 23% this girl better be worth it.

"Don’t worry we advance you the whole amount, payable for the rest of your life in money and misery. What girl are you looking at?” I told him the name of the girl and he laughed.

"She’s in the 25 mil bracket, we got CEO’s and Afandes want her, plus she has her own money so you have to have double what she has.”

I wondered whether to settle for the 5 mil package and hope to meet a nice gal or go all out on the super-delux GIRL OF MY DREAMS package. I went with option two, I couldn’t sign quickly enough. "Sign here, initial here, date here, tick that and sign here. Congratulations you have the super-delux package.”

The itemised bill was divided as follows;
Flashy car - 5 mil (but tell them it is 15mil)
Blackberry – 300,000
i-phone – 350,000 (in case a BB is not enough to impress)
Spending money 20 mil (and hope it lasts)
It worked perfectly, the girl of my dreams called me saying I had always rejected her. My blackberry rang off the hook, people just calling to say hi with nothing to say.

The car worked wonders and I tested it by letting my houseboy drive it and he came back with a high-class beauty. "I just drove to Kabindi and she magically appeared like a ninja!” He said perplexed.

I was happy, that dating consultant was right; this was the deluxe package with all the trimmings. A house in Nyarutarama, a ka-rava4 for her, blackberry, dstv, wireless internet, flights to Kampala and Nairobi. The houseboy spent approximately 14.4 hours a day washing my Prado and her Ka-rava4.

My blackberry rang again, someone just calling to say hi, with nothing particular. The 0830 allows you explore total nonsense without any care of the cost.

Sometimes I’d sit for hours with the i-phone in the left ear and blackberry in my right, looking at my Prado and her Ka-rava4 glimmering in the sunlight.

My blackberry rang again, this time the bank wanted a word. "Mr. Ndagutegeka at the bank here, come over immediately!” I was failing to pay the lease on the girl of my dreams lifestyle and was months behind.

Soon she would realise I was down on my payments and bust. I begged the manager. "Please don’t take her Ka-rava4. Please take everything else.”

I-phone rang, she was in tears. "Honey they took my Ka-rava4. I was on my way to the saloon, everyone knows now. I am so humiliated I am going back to Kampala until the shame blows over.”

The manager leaned over and took my car keys. I screamed and then I woke up. And I was alone, and then I thought of the answer. A LOAN

Ends