Dear Aunt Silvia,

My husband and I are at loggerheads over our maid. She is an older woman, about 30 years our senior and has been working for us for the past five months. Everything was going well in the beginning and our two girls appreciate having her here.

Lately, however, she has begun acting stubborn with me when I ask her to do housework. I end up doing the chores myself to avoid confrontation yet I am the one who pays her salary.

When I ask her to prepare a meal of our choice, instead she prepares what she feels is a healthy diet. When my husband asks her to do something she does so eagerly and enthusiastically.

Should I fire her for her insubordination? My husband seems to think I am making a big fuss over nothing because she is his distant relative.

Valeria.

Dear Valeria,

In this day and age it is quite a challenge to get good house helps. Potential employees are scrutinised thoroughly and a detailed risk analysis done. When one has little children, there is even more emphasis on being careful who you choose to employ.

Hours and hours on end are spent at employment bureaus looking for that perfect employee. Sadly, many times these seemingly hardworking employees shed their masks within a few weeks and show their true colours much to the employer’s dismay.

There is a reason you chose to hire an older woman to help you with household chores. Perhaps you felt that your two girls would be in good hands with an older woman, which to me makes a lot of sense – considering the things younger house helps do to our children.

What you did not anticipate was the insubordination you are now witnessing on a regular basis, which I advise you ignore.

Getting work done around the house becomes an ordeal for you because you think that your house help defies your instructions and leaves you feeling infuriated- but have you considered her age?

Some house chores like mopping the house can be an uphill task for a woman her age.  That is why you look at your hard earned money as wasted on paying the salary of an employee who happens to be a relative of your spouse and does not listen to you.

Until now you have dealt with it by avoiding confrontation. This may solve the problem of getting the housework done, but it leaves you feeling helpless, angry and frustrated.

In addition, you get no sympathy from your husband, which may leave you feeling isolated and belittled for your complaints, this is because your husband feels guilty having an elderly relative his mother’s age working for you.

Realise that you have a choice in this matter. You can choose to remain angered by the situation or you may choose not to get emotionally wound up by your house help’s behaviour.

There is no need to play the victim. What you want is someone to help you with the chores in the house. That means figuring out a way of handling your house help — by adjusting how you communicate to each other and the attitude you have towards her defiance.

Another problem is that your employee is an elderly woman and in her mind you should accord her due respect simply because she is older than you.

Traditions will never disappear regardless of how ‘modernised’ we think we are as city inhabitants.

To avoid your blood pressure rising every time you have to deal with her, get someone else younger to do the most tedious jobs around the house and let her look after your girls, believe you me trust a woman this age to help you bring up your two girls the way a parents wants.

You may interpret her behaviour as insubordination, but to her she is dealing with someone her daughter’s age, and therefore she should be listened to.

Your home is where you retire to everyday after a long and tedious day at work. The environment therefore must be one that encourages rest and peaceful existence.

Conflicts must be given little chance to develop and fester. Maintain the sanctity of your home by refusing to harbour ill feelings and emotions that rob you of your composure and authority.

Ends