My 34-year old daughter has been engaged to her fiancé for three years. However, they have a volatile relationship and have ‘separated’ temporarily four or five times. My problem is I really dislike this young man. When he comes to our house I hardly speak to him. I wish they would break up. He is a weak guy. My daughter rules the roost and has cheated on him several times. What should I do?
Nyirabagenzi.

Dear Nyirabagenzi,

One man’s meat is another man’s poison. I don’t know what you mean by saying that your daughter’s fiance is a weak man? I think you should stop judging your future son-in-law according to your taste and liking.

You will also be wasting your time and energy since it looks like your daughter is intent on getting married to him.

Your daughter and her fiancé’s stormy three-year engagement is undergoing challenges which the two aren’t ready to tackle.

You don’t like your son-in-law-to-be, but you are not disappointed in your daughter’s actions and apparent upper hand in the relationship. Perhaps, to you this is a sign that they will break up — your hope.

The fundamental question would be whether they truly mutually love each other and still want to overcome their apparent incompatibilities and get married. 

During engagement there is normally more gentleness, understanding and overlooking of faults due to the dazzling love and almost stifling emotions, than there is squabbling.

Disagreements are normal and, just like in marriage; there are three alternatives to resolve the issues: Break up, standoff or face the problem. Your daughter and her fiancé do not want to break up.

The spark of love is strong and if your wish is that they break up, you might be disappointed.

At this time of your daughter’s love, she needs you to play a mother’s role.

You must guide her and from your experience (having lived longer than she has), advise her on the challenges ahead.

I expect you to caution her about cheating on her fiancé and, again from life’s examples, show her the consequences of such behavior; need I say anything more in this era of HIV/AIDS?

It is good for you to seek help on the way forward for your daughter. The first thing you should do is pull yourself out of this unhealthy enmeshment in your daughter’s affair. Be objective and don’t overstep your motherly role.

One gets the feeling that you’ve personal issues that you unconsciously want to settle through your daughter’s life plan by ‘hijacking’ her relationship. You need to re-invent your role by going deep into retrospection of your unresolved agenda.

I recommend professional counseling for yourself, your daughter and her fiancé before they go ahead with their plans to marry.

Ends