I am a divorcee father of five children. My wife and I separated over eight years ago. All our children study and live abroad, but they come to visit during the school holidays. What annoys me is the fact that my wife has turned all the children against me, and even when they come for visits she makes sure that they see no one else apart from her. What I don’t understand is why my children, big as they are, listen to what their mother instructs them to do. They are adults yet they can’t make decisions. I want my children to be close to me so that I can enjoy once again being a father, right now I am just an island of myself with nothing to call my own.

Dear James,

Unfortunate things happen in this world, and one of them is when parents separate or divorce.

Children suffer the most. Sometimes we as parents behave in the most selfish manner without considering how the children will feel, because when you put your children’s welfare first, you try to avoid anything that might lead to separation or divorce.

Let’s face it, problems are there and a marriage is not all a bed of roses- but we must make do because every rose has a thorn in it, we only need to pluck so that the rose can be beautiful as it should be.

If today you remove any four walls of any given house, be sure that you will find a problem, only that each house has its own unique problem.

The worst thing a parent can do is to poison the minds of their children – whatever happens between parents should be left at that.

What you don’t know is that children are cleverer than we think. They know who butters their bread and they go with the parent, if your ex is paying for their comfort abroad then her influence on them is bound to be stronger than yours, though deep down their little minds they know that you are their father and will remain so forever.

But they can not risk throwing away the comfort that their mother is offering.

In the meantime, I advise you to go slow on this. If you have your children’s contacts, you can start by communicating to them, assure them of your love and support no matter what happens, and slowly by slowly you will find yourself close to them once again.

But be warned in the process of wanting to build trust and love with your children, try not to mention their mother’s name in the negative, this will only portray a bad picture and hence they will even withdraw from you forever and thus make them believe all stories they heard from their mother are true.

On the same note, life does not stop there, get a life and work even harder so that your children can also be proud of you tomorrow and shed any doubts that they might have had on you.

Ends