Sorry folks, I did not have time to say good-bye before I left but it was ‘a case of emergency’ (Gregory Isaacs’ words, not mine). I know my people would have very much liked to see me off at the Kigali International Airport and wave at me as I stood at the entrance of the plane but sorry, may be next time. There will be a next time, I can assure you.

Anyway, as we ‘speak now’, I am in the land of Igweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Or in the land of Nollywood if you like (can you imagine that this computer does not recognize the word Nollywood? It’s suggesting that I write Hollywood. Huh! What imperialism! But for my reputation, I would have stopped using this computer at this juncture and continued using my free hand).

I am in this big city and all I can tell you is that it is indeed good to be popular.

You will not believe it if I told you how I came to this land of oil, movies and conmen. I am not here on ‘misiyo’ as many of you assumed when I told you I am in Nigeria. 

The truth is, it all started on the internet. Yes! It all begun on the internet. I went to a cyber café one fair morning last week, to try and search as usual for some exotic birds from around the world, especially Asia and the Middle East when I saw one interesting message.

It was sent by someone by the names of Mimuna Abacha. Normally I delete these kinds of messages whenever I find them in my inbox but my instincts stopped me from doing so this time round.

I normally delete any message that has anything to do with West and North African names because although I have never been a victim of these emails, I have seen many gullible people fall victim to them.

I particularly know one lady who sold her husband’s car and house just because she followed what she was told in one of these types of emails and believed she had landed her dream job in the UN.

Obeying my ever sharp instincts, I did not delete this particular message because of two things; First, I knew for sure that the name Maimuna belongs to a bird and secondly, the name Abacha has always had a big influence on me since he was known to be a great bird hunter, just like me.

He is one of the four African leaders with whom I identify with. If you would like to know them, one of them is His Majesty, He of the Kacyiru Apartments fame (alias the Caisse Sociale Apartments), ze Kuku wa Zabanga Ngbendo comrade music star of down south and of course the one and only Abacha who retired to the next world in action.

‘Maimuna Abacha’ had sent a personal message to me informing me that due to the many Yudas in this world, she had zeroed on me as the only trustworthy world citizen and she wanted to share her father’s fortune with me.

I would have become suspicious because I don’t believe there are people who give free lunch but she wiped away my fears by telling me that by helping her transfer the money to my account where it would be safe from the Yudas, I would have earned my share. I liked this idea and replied immediately.

I told her I would not only help her transfer the money but also give her sanctuary from the Yudas. I told her how I was a great fan of her dad.

I also informed her categorically that I would not be very happy to deal with her in a purely business set up but would very much like things to be more jiggy-jiggy. I told her I am the Bird Hunter.

I was surprised when she replied in a flash. You would think that as I wrote, she was reading and replying to every word I completed and sent when I sent! She replied with lots of excitement and told me she had heard about me and was very pleased to meet me.

What’s more, she even asked me to pardon her for the prank that she had sent me earlier. She said the email was meant to be a mere joke because her real names were Genevieve Utaka and had no blood connections with Abacha whatsoever.

She said she would very much like to meet me. I informed her that I would be travelling to Nigeria the following week. That is how I was motivated to travel to Nigeria. We are yet to meet but there is no hurry. I have already found very good company.

See you next week.