The two may share several similar characteristics but unlike the economy, bird hunting is quite dynamic. While both do go through very turbulent times occasionally, bird hunting stabilizes unpredictably and without warning, while former can be monitored by economic experts through every trend.

That is why, if you have been following me through this third rate, you may have noticed that most times I am spoilt for choice and I can’t follow a straight path……

I remember telling you that I had decided to go and sample birds that have decided to follow in the footsteps of Florence Nightingale, founder of modern day nursing.

I was inspired by none other than the great dreadlocked bird hunter, Gregory Isaacs whose songs leave no doubt that birds trained as nurses are hot items that a bird hunter worth his name should not die before sampling.

Well, this was my endeavour and my burning mission but before I could embark on it, I ‘gar high’ (I got drunk). I did not drink myself silly and forgot to pursue the nursing birds, never. Alcohol has never distracted me from my bird hunting mission.

What happened is, as I was carrying out a reconnaissance mission in one of the prestigious hospitals of this fair city, pretending to be a patient ‘in the names of bird hunter, (allow me to borrow the line from my idol), one thing led to another and the mission aborted.

Well, I wouldn’t call this aborting really, far from it! As a matter of fact, things went as well as they might have been anyway. Instead of me ensnaring a caretaker of patients I ended up with a patient in my hands! Uti how did it happen? Tulia, here is the whole story…….

I went to this ballistic hospital known to have ballistic bird nurses from all over the region, with the sole intention of winning a heart or two by pretending to be sick and then get nursed for a couple of weeks.

I was there trying to book an appointment, hoping from desk to desk trying to ‘survey’ the entire area before presenting my ‘medical’ problem.

My intention was to pretend to be so sick and even get admitted for a couple of days and eventually ‘recover’, be ‘discharged’ and walk home with my nurse supporting me all the way.

But one thing led to another and as I was ‘surveying,’ seriously combing all reception desks trying hard to look ‘very sick,’ my eyes beheld a creation that must have landed direct from heaven.

The only doubt about this factor was the fact that the bird was sick and had come to seek for medical attention. If she were indeed from heaven then she would have had no business seeking for medical attention.

My guess is that she would have been self healing or totally immune to any earthly ailment. But again, the realization that she is human after all also provided consolation because a heavenly bird would have had nothing to do with an earthly bird hunter.  Now that she is as human as me………..

My bird hunting instincts went to work in a snap.  I observe the killer bird for some time trying to take some notes for a possible approach angle. I noted that she looked ill and frustrated but I did not understand why she was frustrated.

After putting my brains in fast gear, that’s when I realized that the bird was frustrated because the people at the reception were not attending to her and she was not the type that will fight for their rights. Her manners and upbringing could not allow her to shout for better service….

For the first time in my stay in this city I felt contented with poor customer care. For thanks to this annoying device, I was able to swing into action and achieved my goals.

When you are a bird hunter of substance, you possess wild animal instincts; you know exactly when to avoid predators and when to go for prey in order to survive.

This is what I did; I approached the bird and introduced myself as Dr. Bird Hunter, MD, Phd, MSC, blah blah blah…and told her I had seen her standing there for a while….was there any way I could help?

For once she brightened up and smiled, revealing a well formed dental set up that made you think it was designed in Japan and made in German. Such was the perfection.

I ushered her aside from the throng of people, all victims of poor reception and started asking her what her problem was. She informed me that she had been having stomach problems for a whole week.

My first question was whether she was married, divorced, widowed…..she cut me short to tell me she was still single, a student in a South African University taking hotel management. I felt lucky she wasn’t taking medicine because she would have started doubting me by now.

I was definitely encouraged by this fact (that she was single of course! I did not care whether she was searching or not) and went on with the open air ‘consultation’. I told her that the problem with her could have been her MPs, but to avoid looking stupid, I advised her to go for lab tests.

I led her to the lab and knowing that the lab people normally don’t know the faces of all doctors working for the hospital, I asked the lab assistant in an authoritative tone to urgently take her samples because she had a flight to catch.

In a few minutes the results were handed to me for ‘interpretation.’ I am not sure whether I wasn’t looking at the result paper upside down but I did inform her that her case was nothing serious and all she needed was to take a few antibiotics which I ‘prescribed’.

I happened to remember the name of some antibiotics I usually take due to ‘amibe’ and luckily, the name has stuck in my head. I have also been told that some antibiotics can be used for different ailments.

Anyway, I told her she could only get the antibiotics in pharmacies in town and since ‘I was heading there to see some patients in a hospital in a hospital in town,’ I offered to give her a lift. What else do you wanna hear? Don’t you trust me? Well, it all went well, just as I planned.

Ends