…think that smoking cigarettes is a cool thing to do.

Being a non-smoker, I totally qualify to hate you exclusively since today is World No Tobacco Day. Smoking kills and so there is nothing cool about paying for your own death and not your funeral.

Today I reserve all my hate for those practising this fatal habit. I know your names and my editor intends to publish them next week. You just have to keep in mind that I hate you. Forget all the times I have smiled with you.

I was just faking it since I had not yet started writing this column. At least now you know the truth. I hate you. Yes you with those black fingers, dark lips, stained teeth, bad breath and that consistent bad cough.

…smoke but cannot afford to buy cigarettes.

I often meet these brainless fellows begging for cigarettes from fellow smokers. Now is it not mere stupidity for someone to take up a habit they cannot afford?

Others simply share the cigarette. Now you want us to believe that you cannot afford your chosen cheap death? How can some people be this desperate to die?

It is like someone failing buy a rope yet they wish to commit suicide. Please get a life and buy your own cigarettes in case you really feel like dying soon. Do not borrow death if you really want it. You should be accountable for your own death you fool.       

…smoke in public putting some of us at risk.

By now you should have noticed how much hatred I have for smokers. I have even refused to give in to calls from B.A.T (Rwanda) to go slow on their customers.

Today is World No Tobacco Day; B.A.T can try my phone tomorrow, and it will be switched off by then! Apparently there is a law to protect The Hater and his non-smoking friends from those bent on killing themselves through smoking.

However, some still do it in public. Interestingly, others prefer to smoke from anywhere even in the toilet. What a dirty addiction this can be.     

…think smoking a pipe is safer than smoking cigarettes.

The government really has a tough task of fighting such cases of rigid ignorance. I met this senile man who was convinced beyond reasonable stupidity that smoking cigarettes was dangerous but his pipe was a healthy option.

According to his now smokey brain, cigarettes are dangerous because they are factory processed but that the tobacco he puts in his pipe is all good and can even serve as medication for some ailments.

All those who think like this elderly joker need to stop before I find out your physical address. For I intend to come over and smash your head with a piece of mining equipment.     

…use their smoking habit to practice petty theft. Just in case you were not aware, most smokers also double as thieves.

Yes this is a fact and do not try to argue with me because I have a UN report to prove this. I carried out a survey and discovered that several shopkeepers complain that smokers pretend to borrow their match boxes only to vanish with them.

Some pretend that it is windy and slowly move further but after lighting their death toys (cigarettes) they pocket the match box without shame. Smoking itself is bad enough a habit, but when it is combined with theft then am left with no option but to hate you twice as much. 

Let me help you hate by sending your suggestions to thehater2009@gmail.com

The Hater