There is a time that I went missing for some time. I know what you were expecting- heaps of explanations about where I had been but when I came back, I just pretended I had never been away and went on with business as usual. You see, it’s all part of the game. Well, I need not give any alibi, really.

But then for the benefit of my people (as for my enemies, I say shame on you! You are just helpless haters (not The Hater); why didn’t I see anyone take my place when I was away? Pathetic losers) I will try to summarize for you what I have been up to since the time I did the missing act.

Do you remember me telling you about me starting a bird hunting institute of some sort? Well, this is partly what has kept me away and busy all this time. Some of the lecturers that I had sourced from different regions of this world betrayed me.

You see, during the negotiations, they failed to hammer it into their heads that I am the real bull (pun intended of course) in the kraal and use that to help them in their negotiations with me for the posts that they were aspiring to take at the lucrative bird hunting institute.

It was on this note that we parted company but not before I told them that they would always be losers in as far as I am concerned.

I also take this opportunity to make an announcement to the good aspiring students from all over the region who had applied to study at an institute that did not even have premises; take heart and forget about the non-refundable money that you paid as application fees because that is why it is called ‘non-refundable.’

Actually, the microfinance bank where you remitted the money has been dissolved for not fulfilling BNR conditions. Thank you for not taking me back to this issue. Let us stick to our only item on the agenda: Bird hunting.

What else has been taking my time? Don’t you ever go to bars that are subscribed to DSTV? Especially the Mnet channel 198, formerly channel 37? You really amaze me my people! I know the problem with most of you though.

Instead of watching resourceful issues on TV, you are crazy about some lunatics who are thousands of miles away chasing after a round leather object for ninety something minutes without giving a hoot whether you are watching or not, as long as they get their Great Britain Pounds at the end of the week.

Are you slowly tuning into Ndera Caraes candidates or what? When I become President of FIFA (which I don’t aspire to be, not even in my dreams) one day, I will make sure that I tie ox ploughs on each of these crazy guys and make them plough clean the soccer fields which I will convert into cornfields. 

Well, I, the universal bird hunting champion will not subscribe to such lunatic tendencies and that’s why I watch resourceful things only. I was ‘live’ in the house! Not just any house, I am talking about the Big Brother House.

For those Rooney (or is it loony) or Ronaldo  fanatics who don’t know what I am talking about, this is a reality show that brings together 12 housemates selected from around Africa who live together in near confinement for three months.

They have everything they need in the house apart from connection from the real world. One good thing about the organizers of this house thing is that they really understand the significance of birds in this lonely universe.

My interest in the show? Well, well, you guessed right!! The house looks like the tree (or is it a place?) located some kilometres from Nyabugogo as you head to the North and Western provinces.

The house is a bird’s haven! Igiti cyinyoni! I actually have been wondering why I have not been involved from the beginning in the show because I would add more spice to it by playing the ‘Big Brother’ (or the Big Hunter, if you like).

By watching the first, second and third BBA, I have made up my mind that I will have to be part of the fourth one, by hook or crook. There are these two amateur bird hunters from the land of Waga and the land of endangered albinos who took part in the BBAI.

These chaps really intrigued me and are the reason I have developed this burning urge (do you get the pun? It’s intended!!) to take part in the BBA4.

I cannot sit back and watch as people like Gaetano and Richard bask in undeserved glory and become overnight heroes. These are small boys (pun intended!) who just came from nowhere and just stumbled into bird hunting by mistake and people think they are heroes.

This is because people are kind of used to mediocrity. It is therefore a mistake to glorify them and turn them into heroes and I take this as a blatant move loaded with intention to malice and provoke me. Too bad for my ego.

That is why I have decided that I am taking part in Big Brother Africa 4 to show the world not the real game, but the real bird hunting. That’s why I tell you that the Big Brother Africa show will never be the same again. Just watch me while I am there, it will be hot!

I am offering a big business opportunity to Mnet and I urge them to take up this opportunity asap. The soccer channels will register losses during the three months since even the soccer addicts will come back to DSTV because of the show.

And for your information, I will not be doing this for the money like the so called heroes. This will be purely a bird hunting thing. So what’s wrong with a champion being rewarded for doing what he knows best? Let us meet at BBA4. It will be fire! This I promise you. 

Ends