THE LONG-AWAITED Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) is upon us, which means people from all walks of life are here, in our country, looking to discuss serious issues and have a good time as well. 

I know for sure people will love this clean and beautiful city, they will enjoy the variety of mouth-watering dishes many restaurants have to offer, and they will be fully entertained and lots more.

So, people like myself are here to ensure that everything goes well. I will do this by giving you some insights into us locals and our lifestyles, that way you will have the best of your time. 

Muraho-Mwiriwe!

The first time a stranger said ‘mwiriwe’ (Good day/Good evening) to me many years ago, I responded and stood still waiting for the purpose of the greeting. I was left confused when the person continued on their way. 

This happened a few more times until I learnt that that’s just what people here do. We greet random people. Well, perhaps not everyone who crosses our path, as that would make us odd, but it could be another shopper in line at the supermarket cashpoint, or locals sipping beer outside a shop as we wait for our change. 

So, you’ll hear a lot of ‘murahos’ and ‘mwiriwes’ during your time here, just smile in response, even if you have no idea what they said. No response at all might make them immediately pity the mental challenges they assume you struggle with, but that’s okay, you won’t be here long.

Don’t worry, you are not weird

Has someone ever stared at you so hard that you are forced to check the mirror to make sure you do not have something weird, like a third eye, maybe? If not, this is something you might have to get used to. We stare, we don’t know why, we just do. We look at you until you get uncomfortable and look away. Even though it looks like we are bored, we might be admiring something about you. Wave to whoever is staring at you, but two things might happen; the person might feel ashamed and look away or continue to stare because they have no idea who you are or why you are waving. Are you mad? You could also just walk up to them and tell them to knock it off…it is important that you feel comfortable.

Get in the circle

Rwandans are warm friendly people, and once you get to know them, sociable. We do, however, tend to stick to our own groups, because it is just easier that way. If you walk into a bar alone and expect people to randomly ask you to join them, you will be heavily disappointed. Unless you are an unapologetic loner, who is happy sitting solo at the counter, looking like a dejected member of society, I suggest you mingle when you get the chance, get people’s phone numbers, and ask them to hang out…Rwandans will ensure you have a good time.

Hello? Hellloooooooo?

Kigali is not short of coffee shops or hangouts where you can sit, relax and be at peace. Until some random local decides to receive a phone call and speak so loudly that you wonder if the person, they are talking to has a hearing impairment, and if not, you worry that after that call, they just might. 

Many of us are yet to learn that it is only polite to step away if you want to be loud. If only we, could it quickly, because who really wants to eavesdrop on a phone call about house-to-house rubbish collectors when eating?

Customer royalty is a journey we are still travelling

If you are an impatient person, learn to breathe in and out as a technique to keep your cool for the duration of your stay. A few places can really test your patience…and you did not come all this way to lose it at the waiter. 

I apologise in advance for the ones that give us a bad name and ask that you understand when a one Claude, a waiter, decides to tip himself with your change even though he brought your soup an hour later, cold and with a very nonchalant attitude. He might even roll his eyes when you ask him to take it back to be heated up but just breathe. 

Thankfully, we have a variety of places that truly understand customer care and what it means to love what you do and do it wholeheartedly.

The benefits of a few Kinyarwanda words

Kinyarwanda (the local language) can sound very complicated if you do not know it. We understand if it is too much work to get into it, but you’ll do well to learn a few words here and there. For example, if you go to one of our many markets, find something you like and ask ‘how much is this’, they’ll charge you for that English you speak. What was Rwf4,000 will become 8,000. Maybe it is compensation for making it hard to communicate. With a few local words, be sure of a good bargain. 

Do not rule out four seasons in a day

The weather in Kigali is as unpredictable as a toddler. It might seem nice and sunny right now, but on a day when you decide to wear a vest, shorts, and sandals and carry nothing but your wallet, it can pour suddenly and heavily. This is very frustrating because usually when I carry a jacket just to be prepared, the sun threatens to bake me alive. So, just be prepared.

Hold my waist, bro

If you ask me, the world has a lot going on that many might find unusual. I mean we have people who are one thing but identify as another…you understand? No? That is a conversation for another day. The thing is if you spot two fully grown men walking around the streets of Kigali holding hands like kindergarten girls, be cool. If you see men talking to each other while holding each other’s waists, again, be cool.

What’s the rush?

I’m sure you are used to walking like it’s a race, but here, we take our time. On a good day, we can take five minutes to get out of your way when you say ‘excuse me’. It is not that we are unfit and therefore can’t move faster, we just don’t feel the need to. What’s the rush? Calm down, and wait for me to put my sandals back on the right way, then you can pass. You’ll also notice that some drivers can stop right there as cars move to greet another driver, forcing you to honk angrily and go around them. The weird thing is how we seem to be in a hurry to use the ATM, peeping incessantly as someone tries to withdraw money. Just say, ‘relax Pierre/Sandrine, opening the door every second will not make the money come out faster’.

Can I tell you a story?

You’ll notice motorbike guys carrying passengers, we call these taxi-motos. If you want to go around Kigali with ease, take one of these. The riders are friendly, so much so that if you are black, you are just another Rwandan and so he will start with a story that amused or shocked him. Whereas cabs like ‘Move’ and ‘Yego’ (kind of like Uber) promise to not bother their passenger with unnecessary chitchat unless the passenger initiates it, taxi-moto guys make no such promise. You could tell him you do not understand what he is saying, but why? You’ll be off soon, so don’t stress yourself.

We do not litter!

That’s right! We take pride in our nice and clean city, so we expect you to be on your best behaviour. We don’t throw rubbish out the car window. If you are tired of the gum you’ve been chewing for hours and need to throw it away, unless you have a piece of paper to wrap it in and keep in your bag or wallet till you find a dustbin, continue chewing it. You can even make bubbles like a rebellious teenager if you want.

As I patiently wait for my Pulitzer Prize for this very valuable information, I want to once again wish you a pleasant stay.