In recent years, I have had trouble talking to children about sensitive topics, especially now that our daughters are growing up and they are beginning to decipher difficult issues.

In April this year when they broke off for the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi commemoration week, they asked me questions about the Genocide, its causes and basically why people would wake up to kill each other.

While they had picked some information from school, it was not enough. They had questions on what group killed the other— some of the questions really put me in a fix, but either way I had to find a way of telling them without making it difficult.

Again, recently when the conflict between Russia and Ukraine broke out, they asked me so many questions as to why countries would go to war and if people, more so children, are being killed in broad daylight.

Children know a lot of things but mostly they look out for their parents for a sense of understanding of difficult topics. So how you address them really matters. Make sure you don’t complicate an already complicated situation by telling them grim stories on whichever sensitive subject they want to talk about. Here are some tips on how to approach a sensitive conversation with your children on topics such as war or Genocide, without shocking them or messing up their mood.

Find out what they know and how they feel

When a child asks you about something, chances are they know a bit about that topic. Before you answer, take time to find out what they know and how they feel about the subject they asked you about.

Unless you find that what they know is completely skewed from the truth, try to affirm what they know or elaborate further on it, without saying things that could affect them psychologically.

If the topic is a difficult one and you are not sure what to tell them, tell them you will discuss later and then use the time to think about what to tell them. Choose the right time and place as well.

For example, you cannot talk about a sensitive topic that involves things that could give them nightmares just before bedtime. It will just make their night horrible.

Keep it calm and age-appropriate

According to UNICEF, children have a right to know what’s going on in the world or something that happened in the past, but adults also have a responsibility to keep them safe from distress. You know your child best.

Use age-appropriate language, watch their reactions, and be sensitive to their level of anxiety. It is normal if you feel sad or worried about certain events as they grow up, whether it is current events like war, or something that happened in the past like the Genocide.

Keep in mind that kids take their emotional cues from adults, especially parents, so try not to overshare any fears with your child. Speak calmly and be mindful of your body language, such as facial expressions.

Limit the news content

When the news is flooding with a lot of information which might affect your child, such as death and human suffering, limit how much they can take in for their own good.

Sometimes children get invested in events that are happening due to their curiosity. It is important not to expose children to disturbing news, for example a deadly plane crash.

Ask them to change channels or turn off the TV. You can also try to distract them from what they are focusing on, for their own good. Reassure them when they feel scared and tell them such things happen but the most important thing is that they are safe.

Provide context and perspective

Sometimes children have their own understanding of things and they just want to get context and perspective from you. Children need to understand the circumstances around an issue to fully make sense of it.

Address their curiosity and reassure them. For example, if the story is about mass murder, tell them the person who does such has a mental problem.

For the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi, for example, tell them the history of how colonialists created differences among people, pitting one side against the other, which eventually led to one side killing the dehumanised side.

It is important to use a language they can understand. For some topics, it is equally important to tell them that they will understand more when they grow up.