Imagine you’re home, and your partner comes back late, when you ask where they are coming from so late, they say that they mentioned their whereabouts, and claim that you’re just forgetful. But in actual sense, they didn’t communicate, and you had no conversation about it at all, leaving you wondering if you’re losing your mind or your memory.
Or perhaps you were hurt by your partner, but instead of an apology from them, they make statements like, "Too bad you think I hurt you” or "You’re too sensitive” or "You’re crazy to think that way about me,” or worse.
These are examples of gaslighting, which is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. This needs to be addressed as soon as possible because offenders gaslight their victims in order to control the relationship, and the victim ends up thinking they are the ones with the problem.
Understanding gaslighting
Healthline describes gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse that makes you question your beliefs and perception of reality. Overtime, this type of exploitation can wear down your self-esteem and self-confidence, leaving you dependent on the person gaslighting you.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. Photo/Net
According to Martin Nomwesigwa, a business development consultant, the perpetrators tend to be more incompetent in the workplace, if they don’t know how to do things, they make others doubt themselves.
For instance, they may downplay you if you have good ideas, pitch them in the meeting to impress the boss, or they can present your proposal as theirs in a meeting, during your absence. They will do anything possible to take the credit, he adds.
"The abusers make the victim doubt themselves by the way the other person doubts facts and reality, reason being; they are selfish, they don’t know how to do things by themselves, they tend to come from a background without approval, and have low-self-esteem. Therefore, pulling others down makes them feel better,” Nomwesigwa says.
He also adds that in relationships, partners go ahead to make decisions that make others feel overcast, because the other party is insecure.
To him, this is a terrible vice because it takes a toll on the victim, and they can’t stand up for themselves, a thing that can result in stress, trauma, and to the extreme, suicide if people don’t talk about it. Such people don’t feel like they are good enough.
Damien Mouzoun, a family counsellor in Kimironko, notes that more young people are openly talking about mental health. Gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. That’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships.
To him, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to show self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind.
He says that typically, gaslighters seek to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and perception.
Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media and can occur within family or workplace relationships as well.
Signs
"You can notice gaslighting through different signs in a relationship, some could be having trouble making even simple decisions, making excuses for your partner’s behaviour to family or friends, and constantly second-guessing yourself,” Mouzoun says.
He also emphasises that if you blame yourself for the way the other person treats you, consistently being told that you are wrong, confused, or even "crazy”, it can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning your own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless.
Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include; disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social society, the family counsellor says.
Surviving gaslighting
Mouzoun says that you have to first be sure that you’re experiencing gaslighting because it isn’t always easy to recognise, since it often starts small, and other behaviours can sometimes seem similar. He urges keeping a journal, for instance, jotting down an account of actions or conversations you think might be twisted or denied later.
He also suggests to stay connected to family and friends and ask them for a reality check when you’re feeling doubtful, but also, speak up about the behaviour, stay positive in your version of events, centre on self-care, engage others and seek professional support.
Maureen Umuringa, a resident of Kiyovu, a Kigali suburb, is of the view that when you notice that you’re in a gaslighting relationship, try letting your partner know that their actions are affecting you, if they are not willing to change, then it’s advisable to leave the relationship to protect your mental health.
She says that gaslighters are bullies, so don’t show them that you’re afraid of them, if possible, ignore them.
Damage
Psycom, a website focused on mental health, states that besides harming the self-esteem and emotional stability of the person on the receiving end, gaslighting can be particularly damaging to a relationship because it detracts from the "shared reality” you have with your partner. New research has found that having a set of shared thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with an intimate partner is not only a critical part of the bond, but it also motivates couples to reaffirm that shared reality when they face potential threats, and contributes to relationship satisfaction.