The one whom you hold dear, you will give a cow; so believe Rwandans.

This roots in how highly regarded are cows in the Rwandan culture. The act of gifting each other cows is a symbol of kinship that may transcend generations.

For their great value, cows are also exchanged as dowry given by a groom after the bride’s family accepts his hand in marriage.

There is no specific time in recorded history, showing when and why this practice was adopted but the act is believed to be blended in the culture as far as the Banyarwanda are concerned. It is similarly practiced by other ethnic groups in neighbouring countries.

A dowry is a cow or a set of things given to the bride’s family by the groom. However, in other countries, dowry is taken by the girl to the groom’s family.  

According to Ben Rutsinga, an elder who is experienced in the norms of Rwandan traditional wedding ceremonies, only one cow was to be given as dowry.

"The value was not in the number of heads but in the essence of the gift,” said the now retired diplomat, adding, "Inkwano for dowry is a token of appreciation given to the girl’s family to appreciate their efforts in upbringing a good wife as by the standards of culture.”

"And then after the cow gives birth, its calf would be taken to the groom’s family as well to appreciate them,” he said referring to "Indongoranyo”. 

Not a bride price

Rutsinga went on to criticize those who misconstrue dowry for a ‘bride price’ as according to him, the girl child, or any other human being is priceless.

However, as urbanization and evolution would call for it; instead of giving cows for dowry, people have evolved to give cash instead. 

"Cash is more convenient now as only a few people keep livestock,” said Faith Shenge, a university student. "Also even on the girl’s side, where would they keep the cow when they don’t have farms or simply where to keep it?” she wondered, noting that rearing cows requires special care and skills.

In response to this, Gideon Kayinamura, an elder specialized in traditional wedding norms said that "not having where to put the domestic animal is a lame excuse”.

The retired politician said, "you would rather take the money, buy the cow, give it in dowry and if they don’t have where to keep it then they can sell it too. But give it still.”

Other useful materials were also given as dowry instead of cows in ancient Rwanda but it is said to not have been very encouraged.

"Back in the days, Rwandans would say, ‘ngukoye ubuntu’, to mean I won’t be able to give dowry now, but I will be given the bride and then repay later when I can afford it.” "People would go far to honor this because they knew how meaningful this was to the community and the two families,” he added.

In agreement with this Rutsinga said, "when they start bargaining in cash as to how much to give in dowry, that’s how the context gets lost in the process.” 

There wouldn’t be any sufficient amount of money in exchange for my child, Rutsinga noted.

"Because, again, dowry is not a bride price but a symbol for union and appreciation. There can only be a cow to represent that in our culture,” he stressed.

"Also, if they give cash for dowry, what do we make of the ceremony that comes next ‘indongoranyo’ which can only be the calf of the cow, previously given as dowry, given to the boy’s family from the girl’s?” he asked.

The elderly also go as far as saying that the confusion and misinterpretation of certain aspects of culture are prime leads to the rising numbers of divorce and domestic violence in Rwanda.

"When the husband thinks he bought you with the dowry, then he will use it as an excuse to mistreat you,” shared Brigitte Kanyange, an entrepreneur. 

"Also women who don’t want to be ‘sold’ will often end up single all their lives, which creates conflicts. The idea of dowry should be clear or removed,” she suggested.

Kayinamura and Rutsinga on the other hand think it would be a major loss to lose this part of Rwandan culture. 

"It is up to the youth to bring forth these principles. Let them advocate for gender equality, and educate elders about it without necessarily looking down on their own cultural traditions,” advised Rutsinga.

"The moment they realize that the two are not necessarily against each other, then we can have a balanced modern Rwanda,” he said.