I could see men sited on verandas coiled up with their knees protruding from their torn trousers; the wrinkles on Matiya’s face said it all.

Children played in the mud; the sight of their naked bodies, big bellies, sunken eyes and cheeks spoke more than words could wield the matter.

I was welcomed home by our dog Buddy. He jumped up and down wagging his tail; he looked so emaciated. The poverty in the home could not spare him either.

The silence that filled the house was too much to bear. The small store near the kitchen was packed with luggage.
Mum had spent the whole day at the market. Dad was away on his usual trips in search of timber.

"The home breaker” and her sons had gone to the farm in Cyimbazi reportedly to pick tea. I got to know all this an hour later when my brother Seth returned from the well.
"Your bedroom has been taken over,” said Seth with his pale hands scratching the tufts of malnourished hair on his abnormally big head.

"We no longer go to school, father is always at the bar and Mum fought with step Mum…” he would have continued if it were not for my sudden screaming. The world had crumbled on me! I had found gloom where others found mirth.

Mother returned from the market late that evening. She had already received the news of my arrival on her way home so that when she saw me, she did not have any air of surprise on her face.

She hugged me and we cried in each other’s arms. She had lost a lot of weight and her skin was pale. Her broad toes had grown thick skinned through daily contact with the ground in all kinds of weather.

Misery was written all over her. You could also see it from the way the keratin had reacted by thickening and having thickened had hardened and cracked so that dirt ground its way in but could not be washed out.

This is what my once happy, proud but willing mother had been reduced to. I could not help but cry as I saw her move up and down in her faded blue frock as she tried to fix us a late meal.

At about 8.30pm that evening my stepmother and her two sons returned from their trip to the farm. She was a domineering figure; tall and black with big clear eyes. She looked healthy compared to my frail dear mother.

The look on her face seemed to suggest, "Come and greet me”. I did not move an inch. It is only when I was reprimanded by my mother that I staggered towards her.
"Good evening” I reluctantly said, looking a side.

I never wanted our eyes to meet. Her two sons too came to greet me. The fact that they were younger than me played to their advantage; there was no way I could have bullied two young innocent souls.

I did not wait for everybody to come to table that night. I ate a plateful and excused myself to go and sleep on pretext that I was tired after making the strenuous journey from school.

That was a plain lie. There was one man I was avoiding: my father! My three brothers Mark, Miles and Micah had relocated to uncle Garvin’s house since he had a relatively bigger house. So that is how I got myself a place to lay my back.

At 11.00 pm that night I tried to find sleep but it eluded me. In an instant, I heard Dad shouting on top of his voice loudly calling my name. How he got to know about my arrival only the devil knows.

I heard the hallstand rocking when it received the weight of his raincoat. His toolbox went crushing on the floor. The signs were clear. He was drunk. There was evident chaos in the house as everybody raced for his or her room.

Plates could be heard crushing on the floor, the lion of Duha had roared in the house. He literally crushed into my room. The nail that I used to close the door flew off for safety! He ordered me to wake up which I immediately did. A heavy stench of booze filled the room. I was trembling.

"Why don’t you write to me when you are at school?” he retorted.

"You and your mother have turned against me. Is it not me who pays your school fees?” The questions were sporadic; all I could do was look at him spellbound.

"I do not hate you,” he continued, "The problem is your mother. She is a nagging woman. She has no respect for me; she is always dragging me down. After a hard day’s work, a man needs to find home a loving and caring wife to console him and give him hope for the next day.”

"Is this the reason why you have decided to marry another woman?” I interrupted him, rather harshly. Before I could complete the sentence I saw his palm rise and straight to my face. This was what sent me to sleep and on to dream.
In this dream, it was my last Sunday at home.

I had stayed home to do my packing. My mother and the rest of the family had gone to church. I suddenly noticed Tony, my neighbour, open my bedroom door. We just stared at each other; my heart was throbbing.

Before I could find my voice, he remarked with a slight note of disgust "so you have decided to go back to boarding school!”

"You know Tony, I have no choice,” I answered.
"But I heard that attending boarding school was initially your idea,” he replied.

That was three years ago. We considered each other for sometime then I resumed my packing. Meanwhile Tony closed the door and sat on my bed as if it was the most natural thing to do.

"You know Camilla this place will not be the same without you.” He paused for effect and when I volunteered no reply, he continued, "Jimmy is complaining. I think he likes you so much. In fact, he is in love with you.”

"You cannot be serious,” I said, dropping the skirt that I was folding.

"You love him too, don’t you?” he asked.

Surely he had not realised that it is he that I loved. As I stood there transfixed unable to answer him, he threw in the bait, "you know you are beautiful Camilla”.

Within a blink of an eye we were in each other’s arms cuddling and kissing. If it were not for the light that shone directly through the window into my eyes, I would have slept until mid-day.

I was relieved when I realised that it was just a dream. Was this the kind of life I wanted to live or was I just running away from reality? These and many more questions raced through my mind.

When I got out of bed, everybody was out of the house possibly at work in the fields. I was determined to put to an end to my sorrow once and for all. The thought of leaving Seth and my dear mother made me bleed inside.

I had taken a decision to relocate to the convent. I left a letter for my mother.

Dear Mum,

By the time you read this, I will be out of the village. Mum, it hurts me to leave home because of an irate father. I have left because I want to concentrate on my studies, to find peace, which I cannot find at home.

I will stay at the convent with one of the Nuns, my strong confidant. I will continue to pray that God creates a way for you in your seemingly hopeless situation. I beg you to keep this away from Dad.

I leave home more determined than ever to turn your sorrow into happiness after completing my studies.
May God’s will be done.

I love you Mum, Camilla.

Ends