When the going gets tough, s**t happens. Well, part of why you have not been seeing me around is because s**t happened. I forgot to tell you about this last week but that is because I was itching to share with you my travel escapades.

But that was before the ‘birdnomic’ crunch set in. What actually happened is that bird hunting has been going rough of late- low season, people in tourism call it.

When I say it has been going tough, then you better believe me because if it gets rough for me, then you have to know that no one else stands a slim chance.

But then like everything else, especially the global economy, bird hunting also has its highs and lows and only experience and true bird hunting instinct and talent can make you buoyant. Talk of separating boys from men.

As I was telling you, things went so bad that I decided to impersonate. Well, I don’t know whether I should call this impersonation but then I pretended to be what I am not, what I have never been and what I will definitely never be, just to win a bird’s heart. 

After a series of failures over the past few months, I decided to change tactics, even if it meant stooping low and bending my own bird hunting rules.

You see, there is this very nice bird that I had been watching for some time but because of ‘the global ‘birdnomic’ crunch’ that I was going through; I could not make any advances.

I merely kept in her shadows and watched, like a hyena. As I said, mere charms have not been working of late. Even I the professor of bird hunting have not been able to analyse the situation to discover what went wrong.

Or maybe it could be ‘hunter’s block.’ Well, after weeks of stalking this bird, I decided to leap into the open and succeed at whatever cost. I had gathered enough ‘intelligence ‘information during my staying ‘underground.’

I had overheard her saying something about a disturbing health problem which she wanted to go and have checked but loathed hospital queuing. That is why I arranged with my friend whom I knew was crooked enough not to mind about simple lies.

I told him about my plan and as I expected, he found no problem with it, especially since it involved me buying a couple of rounds while we were at it.

The plan was like this; I knew that this bird liked to hang out at a place in Nyamirambo. I called my friend and we waited outside the posh joint for her to arrive.

I had thoroughly studied her everything including her schedules such that we did not even wait for long before she arrived in the company of three girls.

They went and sat at an open area so we had a strategic place near their table. We pretended as if we hadn’t noticed their presence and went and sat at the table right next to theirs.

I pretended to be on phone talking to an imaginary patient, shouting prescription instructions and feigning seriousness, throwing in some medical jargon that I had mastered off the internet for some time.

I did notice that as I was talking on phone, my target bird was paying attention and only resumed full participation in conversation with her group when I was through and ‘hang up.’ I sat down and beckoned a bar maid for orders.

But before I could make any orders, I asked her (the barmaid) whether the Ministry of Health had inspected the place for cleanliness, making sure the other table heard what I was saying.

She answered in the affirmative and I proceeded with making my order of a soda as my friend ordered for a cold beer. As agreed, he started to ask me whether it was one of my many patients I was talking to on phone a while ago.

I told him that it was one of the rich shots in town whom I had operated on the previous day and was calling to thank me because he was feeling much better.

With excitement I did notice that the target bird across the table had forgotten all about her friends and was all ears, listening to whatever we were saying.

I took the chance to give him a lengthy account of how more often than not, when I do medical check-ups on people I  find that they were just too lucky to have come to me when they did because if they had taken another week, it would have been too late.

This was of course for the benefit of my target bird. From the corner of my eye I could see the bird itching to join in our conversation but for one reason or another (I should think it is manners), could not.

She was virtually restraining herself from joining our table. I knew exactly how to handle the situation.  I added in another killer.

I said that in most people I see on the street I know for sure that they have a health problem they are concealing which if diagnosed early enough would save their lives.

At this juncture, instead of her walking to our table and saying "excuse me, can I join you please, I need to talk to the ‘Doctor’” she instead stood up and made for the ‘ladies.’ Birds!!

Well, when she came back, she looked like she indeed had something bothering her mind. She went back to her sit, but this time she exchanged with one of her friends so that she sat looking directly at us.

Only this time I employed the come-and-get-it style in the book of bird hunting. I pretended to be thinking deeply, of course about ‘medical issues’ and new researches.

It is then that my friend asked me, as we had agreed, whether I would have time to check him without having to queue if he came. I said this would depend on how busy I would be at the time.But I promised that I would call him and have him thoroughly checked up. 

"Excuse me, are you a medical doctor?” I was startled and almost jumped from my seat because I wasn’t expecting her to react in this manner. The breaks of her manners had finally given in and she had finally decided to ask, thanks to my secret.

The plan had worked so well and the bird was now mine for the taking. She had gathered all her courage and talked to the ‘doctor.’

"Well, do I look like a witchdoctor to you,” I shot back with a package of an ‘intellectual’ smile. My smile definitely broke the ice and she went ahead and opened her heart, looking humbled by my humility, in spite of being such a ‘high profile personality’. She then started talking about how the profession must be demanding, rigorous and all.

"You know, my father is an engineer but then all my respect is for Doctors because while engineers fix lifeless objects which can be reconstructed, Doctors do fix real human beings and give them a chance to live, to feel better and relived from pain.”

Well, at least this one was different, she was philosophical. I told her that what’s important in this profession is commitment, professionalism, honesty, hard work and of course intellect, trying to sound modest.

As we talked, the rest of the birds had turned all their attention to our conversation with curiosity and I was much aware that at this juncture I could sign autographs if I wanted and of course take a few telephone numbers if I so wished. But then that is for inexperienced bird hunters.

Experienced hunters take one step (bird) at a time.
Well, before I could tell her about how I started off as a very good gynaecologist, she had persuaded her friends to join our table.

She came so close to me and the conversation now ceased to be ‘an open lecture on medicine and the medical profession’ and turned into a one-on-one class.

It is then that she told me she would really like to be meeting me often so that she would feel healthy always. I told her that it would be my pleasure to make her heart happy and healthy, always.

This earned me a very passionate peck on the cheek. The rest is history…….what I am sure of now is victory! My present problem however, is how to get my friend TontoKay off my back because he has this strong feeling that he played a big role in my victory that day and therefore deserves to obtain loyalties from my success.

Apart from the fact that he can be so nagging sometimes when you have ‘serious business’ to take care of, the cost of keeping him silent is just a couple of beers. Have a sober Sunday, will you!

Ends