When a married couple splits up, parents may endure so much struggle but children bare a huge burden too.

Dealing with such a sensitive situation as a child can come with an exponential number of effects. 

For example, Divine Akimana, the first born in a family of five, had her life change after her parents divorced.

Her family had love and did all things together like any other happy family. But at the age of 10, this changed; all of a sudden, her parents started fighting- she could not understand why and how that happened but at that age, all she did was hiding.

"Time came when I had to choose which parent I had to go live with. Despite how much I loved my father, I believed choosing mum to be the right decision since dad was mostly gone and it was her who took care of us.”

Since her mother wasn’t earning enough to support the family, Akimana says they had to go live with their grandmother. She then had to change schools which she says interfered with her academics.

"I couldn’t concentrate in class; all I did was cry throughout lessons. Little did I know I had depression,” she recalls.

A year passed and they were able to move to their house. This was like a chance to start over but it didn’t improve her state that much.

"I would cry every day and this gave me migraines. I could not talk to anybody. My mother did her very best for us not to miss anything; she wanted us to feel like other children with both parents. Dad barely came to see us, and when he did, it was to only pass by,” she narrates.

In her senior five, Akimana started writing poems as a way of letting out the anger she had for her father. This she says provided some relief.

In June this year, she launched a book- a collection of 97 poems called ‘Scars That Shape Us.’ Her book was inspired by pain, dilemma and mental health struggles she is still healing from.

"My book is to inspire other children going through hardships caused by their parents’ divorce and give them hope.”

The effects

In 2019, 8941 families divorced. This number indicated a huge increase compared to 2018 where 1311 divorced, according to the National Institute of Statistics of Rwanda (NISR).

Goretti Kayitesi, a psychologist and psychopathologist says divorce affects children in three ways which are psychological, intellectual and social.

Psychological effect

Children with divorced parents are likely to have depression, anxiety and stress. They tend to worry a lot because of how they saw their parents fight and argue before they divorced. They also tend to not want being yelled at, so they run away from such to avoid being affected. 

This she says is sometimes different for some children. Some adapt to what they saw from their parents, thereby adapting a defence mechanism- they can’t stand being opposed so fighting back and defending themselves comes quick in their minds due to lack of control.

Intellectual effect

Kayitesi says most divorced parents don’t follow up on their children after separation. This can result to children not concentrating on their studies and loose interest in working hard at school.

Some children too who end up living with step parents having other children, tend to have conflicts among the family. Parents cannot be strict with their step children to avoid problems, and this has an impact on their education and behaviour, she explains.

Social effect

"Children of divorce are scared of being social and even engaging in the dating life because of what their parents went through. They are convinced that what happened to their parents will happen to them as well. They are afraid of getting married thinking that their partners will beat them up or they might do it, they are convinced of not having stability just like their parents,” the psychopathologist says.

Counsel for parents 

Monique Mukamana, a community and family-based support specialist told The New Times that divorced parents should ensure that their conflicts don’t interfere with fulfilling their responsibilities.

Lawyer Innocent Munanira says divorce does not terminate obligations of parents, they must continue to perform their obligations in accordance to the law. 

"Parents are obliged to pay for school fees and provide all basic needs of their children even after the divorce.”

Mukamana says in cases where parents don’t oblige to this, they first of all talk to them and help them heal.

We help them move on, get over the anger and heartbreak so they would be able to take care of their children. We also consult children depending on their age to help them understand that though their parents divorced, they still love them, she notes.

Child Development Agency has a specialist in social affairs and psychology in all districts. 

"These specialists advise parents to put children first and find means to handle their situation to avoid involving them among conflicts so they won’t face depression and anger.”