Mary (not real name) is a radiant example of kindness and Christian values, embodying the principles of grace, hard work, and devotion. Our friendship spans 15 years, beginning in 2009 as we started high school together. Over the years, I’ve witnessed her journey through love and commitment, a journey marked by both beauty and complexity.

Some years ago, she met someone who became her first love. Their relationship flourished over more than four years, a testament to their deep connection and shared dreams. They were on the brink of marriage, yet a profound challenge emerged—a clash of church affiliations.

Both devoted to their faith, they belonged to two influential Born-again churches. Her church, known for its strict stance on marrying within its congregation, created a divide neither was willing to cross. In most cases, it’s the woman who adapts for her partner, but here, her church’s teachings pose a formidable barrier.

Recently, I asked her if she still felt committed to this path. Her response was that she was still young and uncertain, unable to separate from her lover due to a church that, despite their shared beliefs, remained a significant obstacle. This situation led me to reflect on broader issues of marriage and divorce.

The paradox of modern marriage

Marriage in Rwanda often follows a complex formula; civil ceremonies, traditional rites, church blessings, and grand receptions. This elaborate process, deeply embedded in our cultural fabric, frequently shifts the focus from the essence of marriage to the spectacle of the wedding.

We find ourselves ensnared in a cycle where the wedding becomes an event to impress rather than a celebration of a lifelong commitment. The pressure to host an extravagant wedding often leads to financial strain, as couples strive to meet societal expectations rather than their personal needs.

In our quest to organise the perfect wedding, many couples face significant financial challenges. The costs of venues, decorations, attire, transportation, and catering can escalate quickly. To fund these expenses, people often turn to friends, create WhatsApp groups, and even take out loans, stretching their finances to the breaking point.

This pressure to present an image of wealth and success can lead to a facade of happiness. Many couples, especially men, later express regret over the excessive spending driven by family expectations rather than personal desires. The joy of the wedding day is sometimes overshadowed by the financial burden that follows.

The dowry dilemma

The dowry, a traditional practice in Rwandan marriages, adds another layer of complexity. While it is an important cultural element, its negotiation has become increasingly contentious. Families sometimes demand higher dowries based on factors like inflation and educational level, complicating what was once a straightforward tradition.

Culture, while vital, is not static. The evolution of marriage from a union of families to a partnership between individuals invites a re-examination of cultural practices. Adapting traditions to fit contemporary realities does not diminish their significance but ensures they align with modern values and needs.

Living with intention

As we navigate the intricacies of marriage and weddings, it is crucial to focus on living with intention. The wedding day, while significant, should not overshadow the deeper commitment of marriage. Living authentically and aligning our actions with our true values is more important than adhering to societal expectations.

The belief that a wedding is one of the three most important days in our lives—and the only day we can fully organise for ourselves - often proves to be misleading. If this were truly the case, many divorced individuals would not continue to pay off wedding debts long after their marriages have ended. Instead, living intentionally and finding joy in everyday moments is the key to a fulfilling life.

Friendly advice

While weddings are monumental events, they should not dictate the entirety of our marital experience. Let us focus on what truly matters — love, partnership, and mutual respect — ensuring that our celebrations reflect our genuine values and intentions. Life is a journey to be enjoyed, not a competition to be won. As we plan our futures, let us consider what is meaningful and true for us, rather than simply following the crowd.

Bertin K. Ganza is a poet, life coach, and ghostwriter.