They say that rain spoils events, so people even go an extra mile to dedicate a specific amount of time praying for sunny weather. Not my engagement, though! It added so much beauty to the event, the rain.
I thought I had experienced it all, the laughter and pain, love and friendship, until Sunday evening, when my wonderful bestie officially asked me for my hand in marriage. It was the most exciting, heart-warming event I have ever been to. I love organising events, photoshoots for my friends’ milestones in life, and I would say that everything I did for them translated into this one occasion, my engagement party.
Rebero is strategically located to view most of the city’s lights, bringing such healing to the soul. Even before we officially started dating, Rebero was a special place for us. We have a favourite spot on a pavement by the roadside, where we have held dates (thanks to Vuba Vuba), birthdays, private saxophone ‘concerts’, discussed life’s dreams and disappointments.
When my sister passed on a year ago, I undoubtedly found solace in the city lights as viewed from Rebero, so it became a frequent ‘destination’ for us and has continued to see many tears and smiles.
It was also a place that relieved us of our Covid-19 stress, anxiety but also almost landed us into trouble because we would get so lost in the conversation and forget that curfew was approaching. I once got home exactly a minute before curfew time. Cheers to good conversations.
Therefore, the joy, when I went to Rebero for a ‘corporate gig’ on Sunday evening, only to find that it was my surprise engagement party, brought so much emotion to my heart. I’ve been asked over and over how it feels to be engaged. I have no answer because I have been soaring in the clouds for most of the week, trying to imagine a life with a friend whose company I so enjoy.
Being excited about something in a society where it is customary to reveal the husband on the wedding day is quite awkward. We shall talk about this trend another day. Still, we live in a society that guilts us for publicly celebrating our small wins, milestones, and oftentimes, I catch or remind myself to keep the excitement under check. But as someone who lives to enjoy the process, I have decided to allow myself to celebrate every day, every occasion and to talk about my excitement to whoever cares to listen.
When my friend Anna got engaged a few years ago, she told everyone about her engagement and her incredible man, including the moto guys carrying her. I am starting to see what she meant. Enjoying the process is essential because every step has something different to behold.
For me, enjoying the process doesn’t necessarily mean celebrating after finding your significant other, but even more so before then. We need to let ourselves laugh, cry, try everything, learn more about ourselves, travel and explore the world. This is a secret that I discovered a few years ago when the marriage pressure that I wrote about in ‘the truth about being single in Rwanda’ started kicking in.
Our society is designed to pressure the single girl to quickly find a life partner, leaving ALL other factors constant, and I think the results are starting to hurt our own children by creating so much brokenness. This culture has gone ahead to reduce girls’ self-esteem so much that now boys (yes, boys) have started saying things such as, ‘you are not growing any younger’ to women who have rejected them. This is ludicrous because these women or girls are not unaware of their dates of birth, so it is absolutely unnecessary to remind them that they’re growing older.
How dare you mouth out words such as, ‘having two kids and no husband doesn’t look good on you?’ Who told you that she was seeking an audience? The stigma and pressure put on single mothers and on women in general, has done a tremendous job in promoting domestic violence, a sense of not being enough in society, and eventually mental-health-related illnesses such as depression.
When she was planning her wedding, a friend once told me that she couldn’t wait to be married so that she could finally start bugging me to get married. I found it very absurd that her marriage plans included pestering single girls. Still, I couldn’t entirely blame her because this is how society has taught us.
Womanhood comes with so much coercion, and in my opinion, we don’t need irrelevant constant reminders of the right age to get married or how they should plan their lives. No wonder many women keep hiding their actual age. Why wouldn’t they when society always makes them feel less than enough?
This, however, we’ll discuss soon after my excitement and disorientation have worn off. I can’t wait to live in a society one day that values all people the same; the married and the single.
The writer is Rwanda’s first female saxophonist.
stellathesaxophonist@gmail.com