This week marks one year since my sister passed on; and over the last few months, we have grown around her death, like it is close to normal. We eventually get used to someone’s absence, and I think this is one of the weirdest things that God created. 

Having failed to make it to her funeral (thanks, COVID), it took me a much longer time to process the grief. I walked around like a zombie for months. And the strangest thing about grief is that life moves on much faster; so one is forced to resume work, compulsory gatherings, and even attend some parties, all with half a brain, because, well, life has to go on. 

I only got the strength to look at the photos and videos of her funeral this week because denial is much easier than processing grief. Loss kills you, makes your heart hollow, bitter, and in many cases, makes you lose your sense of direction too. When I finally got the chance to visit her resting place recently, I caught myself talking to her like she was watching me or listening from the other side. The difference is, there were no responses. 

Going through loss automatically drew me to people in the same ‘boat.’ I am obsessed with listening to their stories about their loved ones and how the bad news unfolded: was it, like in my case, delivered by a vibrating phone at 1am with a pained voice saying, ‘Regina Mbabazi is gone?’ Or were they sitting by their loved ones until they took their last breath? These details are important to me because, as the saying goes, misery loves company. But beyond that, it helps me to channel my sympathy and acts of love to the bereaved. 

I also think that it’s about time we started studying and discussing loss, i.e. how to handle it, but more importantly, how to comfort the grieving. The same way our teachers were invested in making us understand that John Speke ‘discovered’ the source of the Nile is the same energy needed to teach us about death at an early stage. 

I’ve heard horrendous stories from people regarding insensitive comments and questions from their friends and family. So I thought I’d write a few tips on dealing with the bereaved, especially in the first few weeks of the loss of a close and loved one.

Show up. You probably do not know what to say or do when someone loses a loved one, but if you show up and sit, cry with them, talk about the deceased, re-visit the fondest memories, all this would be helpful.

Do not stop them from crying. Crying is not a taboo for both male and female mourners. Grief is so deep that the crying only releases about 10% of what one is feeling. If you are deep into a conversation and they start crying, just let them. Hold them. Let them talk about their thoughts because it relieves their heart. 

 Let them lead the conversation. At this point, anything may come off insensitive, unfortunately, even if you meant good. Mourners would know what areas they are comfortable visiting or not. You may talk about your grief from the past, but try to remember that this day is about them, not you.

Avoid joking about the subject. Do not rush into making silly jokes such as ‘welcome to the orphan club’ to someone who just lost their parents. Or calling someone a widow even before the funeral events are through. It might be normal to refer to yourself as one because perhaps time has healed you, but for someone whose grief is still fresh, it is advisable to keep the jokes tucked in a box far away from the surface.

Try to get them out of the house. Grief is continuous, and weeks from the burial, you’d be surprised to find that sometimes getting out of bed to shower and eat is an achievement. So make time and visit them, take them out to their favourite restaurant even though you might have to ask five times before they agree to leave the house. I remember my little niece playing me saxophone videos the entire time and checking whether I have stopped crying every few minutes. Simple acts of love would lift the heaviness from the heart for at least a few days.

Please do not preach to them. Should you preach, remember to be sensitive. I know that this is always the easiest way to go when a loved one is lost, but how helpful is it telling someone who just lost their 40-year old sister that the days of our life are seventy years!! Simply because it is written in Psalms, it does not make it relevant to the situation. Do not tell them that it is well because it is far from being well, to be honest.

Send money. Death is abrupt and so expensive! We are all still learning how to deal with grief and how to mourn with others. However, for the past two years, death has claimed so many young people, and I honestly hope that we start talking about these tough subjects to know what to do when death strikes. 

The writer is Rwanda’s first female saxophonist. 

stellathesaxophonist@gmail.com