The loss of a loved one is always a sad affair, however, losing a parent—for adults and children—is sometimes very hard to come to terms with. When it comes to children, it is even harder as they may be too young to understand it, and if they do, the grief may consume them. 

Celine Umuhoza says that she suffered with severe anxiety for more than four years after she lost her father.

"I’d never been so gripped with worry that I couldn’t focus on the simplest task at work or school. I’d never felt my anxiety and depression so in sync with each other that I was completely frozen for months, barely able to eat or sleep, and it had already been three months since my father had passed away, and so my mother took me to a mental health hospital,” she says.

Umuhoza adds that before her dad died, she had occasional anxiety, but her father’s death worsened it and she had to seek treatment then begin the journey towards healing—a journey she is still on.

According to Uzziel Manirareba, a psychologist based in Kigali, it can be very painful when a parent dies after a long and happy life. If they die unexpectedly, it can be very difficult to cope with. It changes many aspects of our lives and has an impact on the whole family, especially children.

"There is no right way to grieve, and everyone experiences mourning differently,” he says.

The psychologist explains how the death of a parent, or both, can affect children’s mental health, "Losing a parent is grief-filled and traumatic, and permanently alters children of any age. Nothing is ever the same again, the loss of a parent is a wholly transformative event.”

He highlights that after a parent’s death, emotions like sadness, shock, and disbelief can persist in varying degrees for days, weeks to even months.

"Children see their parents as role models, people who they learn from and bond with. Losing that bond is something no one is prepared for, no matter the age. Losing a parent can lead to increased risks for long-term emotional and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. 

This is especially true if children don’t receive enough support during the mourning period,” Manirareba says.

Ways to cope with grief

Anne Marie Umubyeyi, a mother of three, says that when her husband who had been sick for two years died, she had already ‘prepared’ her children for it. Even though the sorrow was there, it didn’t take them long to come to terms with it.

"Parents need to teach their children the concept of death so the child can accept it and understand these difficult experiences. This should be done in an age-appropriate manner so the child finds comfort; bringing up this topic among the children helps them to understand how it can affect them emotionally,” she says

Umubyeyi adds that children below the age of five will not understand easily. "You need to use simple words and explain to them slowly and carefully, but with teens, you need to be sensitive as they are at a sensitive stage of development. Avoid understatement, check in on them, and answer their questions. If they cry, do not ignore them. Be there for them. In addition, if needed, seek help from a professional.”

Manirareba says that it is important to keep the daily routine, especially like games the child used to love to play with the parent so that you try to fill in the gap, it helps the child even though you might not do it the same way the other used to.

"When you notice silence, lack of sleep, or crying often, it is important to consult a professional as there are some ways to cope,” he says.

Some children’s behaviour may change. It is important to talk to the child in this situation and offer continuous guidance. If the situation keeps getting worse, consult a mental health specialist or family counsellor.