As much as relationships can be beautiful and enjoyable (sometimes not), a breakup can be draining, and many find it hard to get over it, or get over the ex. According to Dr Cindi Cassady, a clinical psychologist with over 35 years of experience, often, people who go through a breakup feel the pain that is associated with physical pain, and aching. Cassady says that the reason for this is because the emotional pain of a breakup and physical pain have something in common.
"Those two pains are different but both activate the same part of the brain,” says Cassady, adding that the brain scans of people recently out of a relationship have revealed that emotional pain from a breakup or rejection and physical pain share the same pathways in the brain. The human brain loves being in love and being in love increases the "happy hormones” dopamine and oxytocin. But when the one you love leaves, the supply of feel-good hormones reduces and the brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. And if it’s unfortunate that there is long-term distress such as a broken heart, the stress hormones accumulate and cause more trouble, Dr Cassady explains.
"Breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction, losing a relationship can throw one in a type of withdrawal, which is why it is hard to function,” she adds. After a breakup, many tend to ache for their ex, sometimes literally, and can’t get them out of their head, but this, at some point, passes.
When a person is in a relationship, their mind, body, and core adjust to being intimately attached to someone, Dr Cassady says. The brain has to adjust when that person leaves. The pain can be excruciating, but the body chemistry will gradually return to normal, and the discomfort will fade. "You don’t let go, you keep the t-shirts he gave you, and any slight remembrance of him knocks you off your feet,” Ornella Uwase says, adding, "Sometimes you do anything to get him back, even if it means losing yourself.” She goes on to say that it has an impact on one’s daily life since the mind is unable to think properly, and one is, therefore, driven by their emotions.
How to overcome a heartbreak
Yes, it is possible, Cassady says, there are ways to have a healthier attitude about a relationship ending, and not all breakups have a bad psychological impact. The tales we tell ourselves about rejection might influence how we deal with it and how well we cope.
For people with a lesser connection between being rejected and how they see themselves, the emotional impact of a breakup will not be as intense. These people often see a breakup as just a part of life and an experience that is sometimes necessary. Others may choose to interpret it as proof that they were not a good fit for the other person, rather than that the relationship failed because of their mistakes. Studies have shown that the brains of these types of rejected partners show activity in the prefrontal cortex and the cingulate gyrus, which are connected to regulating emotions and impulsive reactions.
What these suggest is that some people are simply wired to cope better with recovery and decision-making, as well as cravings and obsessive behaviour, than others.
Also, some people believe in the possibility of change. Perhaps this breakup is an opportunity for personal growth; to uncover something about yourself, a flaw, a negative quality, or a way of being in a relationship that you can work on fixing before getting engaged with someone else. Dr Cassady shares ways that could help one get over a breakup:
● Lose contact with them: One of the most difficult parts of navigating post-breakup reality is figuring out whether you actually want to stay in touch. Sometimes totally eliminating the ex from your life will serve you better in the short (and maybe long) term. This might include blocking or deleting social media connections to your ex. You will not feel better by stalking an ex on social media to find out what he/she is doing and who they are with.
● Cut off going to places you went together: Remember all the places you and your partner used to go when things were good? Remove those from your list of go-to spots for the time being, and try splitting up your routine with fresh ideas. Avoiding some of the most obvious heartbreak-inducing locations will also help you avoid obsessing over your ex.
● Accept reality: One of the biggest lessons we all need to learn—in romance, friendship, professional relationships—is that we are not responsible for anyone else’s thoughts or behaviour, only our own. So telling yourself that you have the power to "win” someone back may just make your mourning period longer and make moving on a whole lot harder.
● Give yourself some time: Allowing yourself time to feel sad and grieve the loss of the relationship can help you move through the emotions, but don’t let it get to the point where you’ve lost interest in all the things that used to make you happy.
● Be honest with yourself about what wasn’t working in the relationship. It’s so easy to look back on a failed relationship and only remember the positives. But really spending some time to focus on the imperfections may help you find peace faster and understand ultimately, why the relationship didn’t work out.
● Do your best to avoid total isolation and ask your nearest and dearest for some support, whether that means heart-to-heart conversations or silent Netflix binges.
● Whether your relationship lasted six years or six weeks, you likely gave up activities you enjoyed doing because he/she wasn’t interested in them. Use your new free time to improve your skills or take advantage of possibilities. Now is the time to do something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the opportunity to.
● Lastly, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by your feelings or hopeless for a long period of time, or even suicidal, you should contact a professional therapist to help you get through the difficult time.
"If you are the one who is left in a relationship, it will be more difficult for you to recover from the pain than if you are the one who leaves,” says Dr. Cassady, "But it is helpful to remember that you are still a lovable and worthwhile person, capable of loving and being loved, with or without that other person.