It is amazing how when your life turns upside-down, a lifetime of events flashes through your mind. The good, the bad and the ugly memories you would rather bury in your conscience, never to be remembered, reel through your mind with no stop or pause button, Anne-Marie Mukankusi, a genocide survivor, author and activist writes in her book ‘Terrorized in Rwanda, Healed by Grace.’

In mid-2006, when she was living in the small town of Dover, New Hampshire (USA), her mind took her back to 1994 during the Genocide against the Tutsi, when she was running for her life.

Pregnant and alone in her mid-twenties, layers of pain consumed her. Memories from a past she had tried to forget seeped into the present until she throbbed with hurt. She wished she could escape or that she had a cave she could crawl into, never to be seen or heard from again. 

How it began 

Born and raised in Nyaruguru, Southern Province, Mukankusi recalls vividly events of the genocide that rapidly unravelled her life and that of her entire family.

One day, they were living as one big happy family, and the next day, they were watching their home being burned to the ground. 

That was the beginning of a battle that would last for over three months, and that’s where she was with both of her parents and some of her siblings when the genocide started, she recalls, adding that, for what happened during the genocide, if she goes into details of her running, hiding and the other traumatic experienced she experienced, it would be a long story.

Each survivor has a unique story, she says, noting that however, she believes most of these experiences are very similar: fear that grips your heart, running, hiding, and thinking today is your last day! 

Mukankusi with her niece (both Genocide survivors). / Courtesy

Within a week after the night of April 6, 1994; her father, uncles and every male in her home area was killed by grenades, machetes and nail-spiked sticks.

Old people who could not escape were burned in their homes. Women and children were rounded up in one location that would be an easier access for rape and for later, slaughtering. Before women and children were murdered, they had no access to neither water nor food. They were starved to death. A lot of their children died due to hunger and dehydration, then sat there and waited for their fate. My mother, young sister and little brother were among them, she narrates.

In those months, Mukankusi says she found herself hiding in different locations, running to find what often, was temporary safety. 

"I can’t count how many homes I lived in. In my book "Terrorized in Rwanda, Healed by Grace,” I go through the various traumas I endured: watching my neighbours die in the streets, being raped, physically and emotionally abused and the dark periods of depression, fear and despair that followed,” she recalls.

"But through it all, I survived the genocide - even when Hutus killed my parents, my three brothers, younger sister and countless extended family members, and almost a million other Tutsis-I survived. Entire families were wiped out. Properties were stolen and destroyed, people were tortured, and women and young girls were abused and raped.”

Seeking refugee 

She recalls being broken and completely lost after the genocide. The trauma of the horrific three months, the guilt of having survived and the overwhelming grief of loss haunted her.

"I was filled with many emotions: I asked myself ‘why me?’  And even now, I still ask myself how and why in the world did I survive. Was I better at hiding than the others?  No. Was I a better person than my family members? Definitely not!” Even though we gather on April 7th every year to remember what happened to us in 1994, there is no day that goes by without us being reminded of what we lost. We are reminded when we have children and realise that they will never have grandparents.  They will never know their uncles or aunts, and they will never have the joy of the extended family we knew, Mukankusi shares. 

The mother of two says she is nonetheless grateful for having survived along with two of her brothers, an older sister and three of her nieces whom she immigrated with to the US.

"After the genocide, everything I loved and knew represented fear, hate and violence. I felt out of place, so finding a new place to call home was a blessing.”

In 1996, together with her sister and nieces, they migrated to the United States. She is thankful that she was able to leave, for she says she doesn’t how she would have survived or whether she would be who she is today if she didn’t get a chance to start a new life somewhere else. 

Finding healing

Nonetheless, it took her more than two decades to put what happened to her in words. Her experience growing up in the US wasn’t an easy one either-there were many hardships that came with being a refugee and living with trauma in a new country.

She was still gripped by pain and shame, and she hated herself. "To be a Tutsi and a woman during the genocide was double curse. We were met with all kinds of trauma. To be hated, killed and raped and then survive was the worst thing that happened to us.”

Ironically, Mukankusi says she forgave the people who killed her family and violated her but couldn’t forgive herself. 

"Instead, I lived with insecurities and self-hate until by His Grace, God healed me and took all the pain I was carrying and replaced it with forgiveness, love and peace. If God had not healed me, I wouldn’t be telling you my story.”

She encourages survivors to open their hearts without judgement but love.

She also commends creation of safe places where survivors can talk about what happened to them.

"After the genocide, I didn’t tell anyone what had happened to me out of fear of any repercussions until two years after I got to the United States and felt safe enough to tell my sister. And after that day, we never talked about it! But the shame and guilt lived with me all my life.  I made wrong choices because I wanted to ease the pain and fill the empty void I felt inside! Instead of feeling better, I felt more lost until I had my second child and God had mercy on me and made me realise that there is no human being that can heal my pain, only Him.”   

When she surrendered to God and let Him take all bitterness, anger, and hate towards herself and body, she says she was able to breathe life and became the mother and woman God intended her to be.

Reaching out to others 

The activist believes that all experiences people go through in life make them who they are, good or bad. What is important however, is to use every pain and struggle for the good of others and not wallow in self-pity.

She is a survivor and she wants that ‘badge of honour’ to define her in every way, she says, revealing that it’s why she started an initiative ‘Ineza Village’ to support vulnerable women. She uses her skills as a psychologist to offer emotional and psychological support to these women. 

"I often ask myself what kind of woman I would have been if I never went through this. Even though, many of my family members were slaughtered, 27 years later, here I am-full of heart and dreams. I am very thankful to God for this second chance of life.  As they say ‘to err is human, to forgive, divine’ I want my life to be a symbol of that divine.” 

A single mother of two boys, Mukankusi says she is now more overwhelmed by the challenges of being a single parent and little of what happened to her in Rwanda. 

"This is the reason I would love to bring along with me women or anyone and share with them what the Lord has taught me through my pain, struggle, trauma and single parenting journey. My heart is for women and children, that’s what I think about going to bed and when I wake up. God knows my heart and someday will flourish all my dreams and plans for them.”

She hopes to reach out to young girls in Rwanda who drop out of school due to pregnancy and support them towards a better life.

"I want to remind them that God does not devalue them or see them any less because of the choice they made. They need to be reminded that God loves them recklessly and cheers them on without judgment. So, I am praying and hoping that I will start working on that soon and find funds for continuing their education and anything that would improve their lives and that of their kids.”