Ange has a secret account that her husband knows nothing about. In her defence, she says her husband is an insincere person and that she can’t trust him, at least not with her money.
She says she set up this account in case their marriage went south. "I wouldn’t want to find myself in a puzzling state. I want to have options and not be tied to a marriage because I am too broke to live on my own,” she says.
Conflicting financial beliefs amongst couples are known to be a common cause for divorce, however, hiding money is a whole different kind of trouble for married couples.
When married, keeping money secrets from your partner is called financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is often a result of deeper issues affecting a marriage. Net photo
Financial infidelity is also defined as spending money, possessing credit or credit cards and holding secret accounts without the knowledge of one’s spouse, partner, or significant other.
Counsellor Shadia Nansasi says financial infidelity can ruin a marriage when it is discovered.
When a partner learns that their significant other is holding such secrets from them, they are bound to lose trust in them. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage, Nansasi says.
She explains that in most cases, people keep financial secrets from their partners to avoid getting into a fight over money or covering up something else such as an addiction or an affair.
"This can deeply hurt a relationship or marriage by cutting out the possibility for a couple to count on each other. Hiding such important information can cause wounds that can’t be easily healed, which causes deeper cracks in a marriage,” she adds.
Aaron Mugwaneza has been married for over five years now. His observation on this goes down to a couple’s intimacy or bond.
He notes that such problems are often a result of deeper issues affecting a marriage. He argues that any person who does that or thinks of doing it should look deeper into their marriage for underlying issues that need to be addressed.
"For a person to do this to the one they chose to share a life with, there has to be a factor that is amiss. Hiding money from a spouse can be a symptom of a deeper problem in the relationship; this can be fear or lack of trust,” he says.
Author Chris Sonzogni reflects on a similar view, noting that hiding financial transactions from a partner can worsen tensions in an already stressed relationship, potentially leading to its demise. Why someone feels compelled to hide their spending, particularly once it’s reached a point they can no longer afford to keep hidden, may not always be clear.
As a way of overcoming this challenge, Sonzogni recommends for couples to default to transparency.
There is no magic bullet for overcoming the fear, guilt, and anxiety of being completely transparent about your spending. One key to developing the habit is enforcing a default reaction in yourself: open and frequent communication, without exception, especially if only one member of the partnership retains control over the household’s finances.
Nansasi notes that the best way to handle or avoid this situation altogether is for married people to have a clear budget that they follow and stick to as a couple.
She also recommends approaching the problem with a rational mind and refrain from making accusations or fast conclusions.
"This would make things worse. Avoid attacking or blaming your spouse, don’t make any conclusion before you listen to their side of the story. Figure out exactly what happened and understand why it happened in the first place. What is more important, however, is for the couple to be willing to open up and address this issue from the root cause,” she says.