In a world where it is hard to cope with mental illness, some people have sadly gone to extreme measures, like suicide. Although many have managed to get counselling and therapy, others choose to cut their short lives, as they maybe feel worthless, with wounds, the way they see it, that are too deep to heal. 

Bruce Mugwaneza, known by his stage name "Poetik Wolf”, is a writer and poet, who like many people fight inner battles. Growing up with depression and anxiety, he thought of committing suicide on many occasions.

However, the 26-year-old discovered that writing actually comforted him. He started writing 10 years ago as a way to share his thoughts with people, because he didn’t like talking and interacting with others.

As a child, Mugwaneza wasn’t interested in things that others kids found fun, for instance, football. He was more comfortable around adults than his own peers. 

Naturally, he didn’t know what was wrong with him. What he did know is that he was different from other students, in a weird way.

While in school, he tried to get students to like him, but in vain. He would get into conversation but then feel left out.

He was bored by everything other students did, even when he tried to take part, it felt strange. His nature made him vulnerable to bullies. 

They nicknamed him "confused”, and each time he entered class, they laughed and said, "confused has come”, with no care that he could actually hear them.  

Life was miserable; no one bothered to understand him or befriend him. He thought maybe life wasn’t for ‘the confused’ and became suicidal. He tried taking overdoses of non-prescribed tablets often but nothing happened. Eventually, he stopped trying. 

Facing fears

In senior three, he decided to spend most of his time reading and writing.

The more Mugwaneza read about philosophy and poetry, the more he realised that he didn’t need to be like anyone else. 

He decided that people would love him if they wanted to. The days of forcing himself to be accepted, loved, and appreciated were behind him.

The writer learned to control his feelings and go through life. Most importantly, he learned to embrace his strengths and weaknesses.

Facing reality

In July 2020, he discovered that he was suffering from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity and impulsiveness.  ADHD often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood. It may contribute to low self-esteem, troubled relationships and difficulty at school or work.

He wouldn’t have known that he had the condition had a small group of friends not started researching about mental health. 

They wanted to educate themselves on the topic for a YouTube channel they were to start.

While doing research, he noticed that some of the signs of mental health, he had. So he checked online for hospitals that offered mental health services.

He found out that mental health services were expensive. When he went for a check-up, the results showed that he was suffering from ADHD.

Mugwaneza, fortunately, found a local clinic that is currently offering him therapy every Wednesday, for free, on agreed terms. If it wasn’t for that, he wouldn’t be able to afford the services. 

He calls upon the government to put more emphasis on mental health by making it more affordable for the vulnerable to get help.

According to the poet, in our society, mental health is not yet fully acknowledged, as people who are suffering have instead found solace in alcohol or other behaviours that can’t heal them.

He wants to create awareness by educating people on mental illness and how to cope, and sharing his story through writing.

Healing

Poetry has enabled him to express himself. He has made friends, discovered who he is, found his purpose, and values himself more.

Mugwaneza writes poems about himself; sometimes, he says, he has no clue what he is writing, but writes nonetheless.

He has lost count of how many poems he has written, as some are not published but just stay on paper, in ink. 

The youngster says that the art industry isn’t promoted as much in Rwanda like it is in other countries. He hopes for more opportunities for writers and poets.

"We need a platform where writers can reach people easily, support and share our work to bigger audiences,” he says.

He has written poems like, "Tonight be mine”, "Words unspoken”, "Why so serious”, "Am not giving”, "Am I crazy to love you?”

Healing is a journey that takes time, Mugwaneza says, and he has embarked on it with hope of discovering himself more, finding peace, coping, and discussing harmful feelings.