Okay, here is a question; do u remember the first time you learnt that you were pregnant? Do you remember the excitement you had when the pregnancy testing kit showed two lines? And when the doctor’s diagnosis confirmed your suspicion? Do you remember what it felt like knowing you were carrying another life inside of you? Do you remember how your husband felt about it? Remembering those exact moments maybe a little hard. But do you remember the preceding days, thinking of a pregnancy routine/plan you will follow, what you will be eating, what you will avoid, and imagining how not only your body will transition but how your life was going to change forever? 

The cravings; oh my God, do you remember the first things you craved for? Or the foods, smells, even people you started to dislike? 

For the first few weeks all I craved for was vanilla ice cream, banana cake and cowpeas. Meat went out of the way, same for chicken, and any other meaty stuff. Cravings were everywhere; if I watched an advert on baking, if I ate certain foods, if I got sleepy, when I woke up—sometimes my nose would just sense the smell of vanilla even before I knew my husband had bought it. 

Then the morning sickness, dizziness, and sleepiness. Every morning had different marks, making me imagine how the babies were doing, growing and giving me zeal— looking forward to their arrival.

Then, it happened. 

One morning, I woke up bleeding and was rushed to the hospital. It didn’t scare me at first because every pregnant woman that I knew of had given me ‘lessons’ on what to expect in the first trimester. The doctor gave me medications to prevent any possible miscarriage. But it was already too late. Being able to get pregnant, and then losing the pregnancy, it is not something you anticipate. 

Having a miscarriage isn’t any less painful than child birth, as some people assume. Everything a woman in delivery goes through is the same as a woman having a miscarriage. The difference is that when you give birth, the pain is forgotten when you hold your bundle of joy in your hands. And with a miscarriage, the pain doesn’t end. First comes the labour pain, yes, miscarriages feel like real labour. You scream, hit the floor, hold onto something strong, and bite your teeth, sitting on the toilet bowl hoping it will end soon. Unfortunately, unlike normal births, with a miscarriage you don’t get the chance to push. You endure the pain until the foetus/ embryo comes out. There is nothing agonising like going through labour pain of not just one foetus, but two, being flashed down the toilet. The pain you get, the discouragement, the guilt of not being able to bring forth a child into the world, the questions on how you will face the world that you had shared the good news with, depression and endless streams of tears can make the whole universe become hopeless in just a blink of an eye. Don’t blame yourself. Sometimes there are situations way beyond what a doctor can do. And it cuts across. Men too suffer from depression when their wives miscarry. 

How do you build yourself up again? How do you gain courage to try again? To some, they get hope knowing things might be better next time. What about those who lose hope completely? Then the ones that cry in silence? What do you tell God when you are on your knees with tears flooding and your mouth can’t utter any words? I also do not know yet. But what I know is, God knew you before you were born and He has better and good plans for your life. Be proud of yourself and for having little angels watching over you. Yes they do.

And the truth is, no one should feel guilty for having a miscarriage. You are not answerable to anyone. You owe no one an explanation. You are just unique, beautiful and stronger than you know it, with or without that child. YOU ARE YOU.