Amy Morin, in her article ‘What to do when you really have a favourite kid’ says that although some families make jokes about having a favourite kid, most parents publicly deny liking one child better than the rest. But the truth is, deep down, the majority of parents do have a favourite child—at least according to research.

"A 2005 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology examined 384 families in which siblings were born within four years of each other. They found that 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited preferential treatment toward one child.

"This doesn’t mean showing favouritism is okay though—even if you feel drawn to one child more than the rest. Research shows favouritism can have lasting damage on kids,” Morin writes.

Take Jean Marie Dukuzimana and his wife, for example, who at one point had to seek the help of a counsellor on how best to handle their second-born son after he complained that they always favoured their first-born twin daughters.

Dukuzimana says, to them, everything was okay and there was no way they liked another child less. However, after seeking help, they realised that what seemed ‘okay’ to them was actually affecting their son. They vowed to do right by their son and with time, things got better.

At one point, many have felt that one sibling was either dad or mum’s favourite, which is still the case today.

However, it is said that ‘favouritism’ is real and the effects could be overwhelming.

A new study in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that parents playing favourites shouldn’t be taken lightly because of the long-term effects it can trigger.

Understanding favouritism

Parental favouritism is when one or both parents display consistent favouritism towards one child over another.

It can include more time spent together, less discipline, and more privileges.

Family counsellor, Damien Mouzoun, says even though most parents find it difficult to admit that they practice favouritism, most times, it is the child who makes an effort to be the ‘preferred one’ through obedience, performance, and affection.

Mouzoun says that it is not rare to see many parents, even the most informed ones, loving one child more by agreeing to anything they ask for.

"The tradition has been in existence for so long, and no matter how devastating its effects may be on one child, it continues in our current society where people are expected to know better and behave better when it comes to balanced parenting,” he says.

However, he says, if we were to know the consequences of practicing favouritism and the negative effects it can bear, like jealousy, aggression, rage, and vengefulness, we might re-evaluate our practices and be more conscious of our actions to lessen the adverse effects on our children.

The repercussions

Sylvester Twizerimana, a psychologist and counsellor in Rubavu District, notes that as much as parents may find this normal and harmless, there are high chances that favouritism can bring short and long-term effects to the affected child.

Short term effects, he says, is ‘sibling split’ or possible rivalry. This means siblings not being as close as they should, especially during childhood, and this can continue well into adulthood.

Mouzoun notes that a less favoured child, in the long run, may suffer from depression, weakened self-esteem, and a chronic need to feel special.

According to Mallory Williams, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), there are serious long-term effects to growing up in a household of parental favouritism.

"The biggest long-term dangers are depression, anxiety, unstable or even traumatic reactions in personal relationships, and performance anxiety for both the favoured and non-favoured children,” says Williams.

"The non-favoured child will experience low self-worth and value, feelings of rejection and inadequacy, and a sort of "giving up” due to feeling like they can never be worthy of the same attention, love, and affection that the favoured child receives.

This often has long-term implications on their performance in jobs, in school, and in interpersonal relationships, as the parenting relationship sets the foundation and expectations of future relationships,” she adds.

Best way to fix this

Catherine Gitau, an accredited therapist with Lighthouse Counselling and Kigali International Community School, says the best way is to understand what makes each child happy.

She says this can only happen if a parent takes time to listen to their children more.

"Getting to know how all your children feel or react to certain things can help treat them equally, because it’s through this that you will learn their emotions and how to help,” she says.

The therapist says, for instance, some children feel good when they are appreciated for their efforts in doing something; others need time together, while for some, surprising them with gifts and presents makes them happy and they feel recognised.

Also, listening and respecting their opinions is important, irrespective of what the child is trying to point out.

Twizerimana says that explaining to all your children why and how you are handling differences among them can help the child understand without hurting their feelings.

Another mistake parents make, he says, is trying to compare their children. According to him, this is wrong and shouldn’t be tolerated at any point.

Instead, he says, focus on the strengths of every child without trying to pit them against each other or belittle them.