Many people make the mistake of thinking that a housemate is someone with whom you live and share household costs. That, my friend, is how you got into this mess in the first place.

Now half of you are sick of your housemates and can’t wait for lockdown to be over so that you can move out.

The other half is composed of the housemates you are sick of, and they are also planning to run away the very microsecond the government removes the padlock.

So, if you are going to look for a new housemate, let me help you understand how to choose a better one this time.

First of all, let go of the false notion that you need someone you can get along with for a peaceful and harmonious coexistence. No. You shouldn’t even be friends.

Let me ask you: When was the last time you lived with someone who loved you? Who deeply and truly loved you?

It was when you were a kid with your siblings, wasn’t it?

And what was harmonious about that existence? You were always trying to kill each other!

If you want peace, don’t get someone you like or hate, get someone you are completely ambivalent about. In the perfect housemate relationship, you don’t even view the other resident as a fellow human. They are just a minor bother to endure.

Domination

So, avoid friends completely. Avoid anybody likeable.

If you like them, you might be tempted to show mercy.

You need someone docile, weak and easily intimidated who will always reduce the volume on their laptop when they hear you at the door.

When interviewing for housemates, step on their toes as if by accident. If they apologise to you, they pass. If they frown, advise them to be careful that the door doesn’t hit them where the good Lord split them as they walk out forever.

Hygiene

At the most basic level we need the housemate to not smell. But I can tell, dear reader, that you are a fine lady, a classy gentleman; you have very little experience with bad body odour and, therefore, don’t understand its tricks. People like you can be easily duped into letting a filthy hog into your house, because the most you know is the puff of acid which wafts off people who have just been sweating. Probably after sports, manual labour or some heavy eating; people who will bathe soon.

What you should be careful for is the guy who doesn’t actually smell, but it is the air around him that smells.

Truly dirty guys have a cloud of loyal bacteria which follows them wherever they go, like crazed fans mobbing a superstar. They don’t actually touch him: they just float a foot or so behind him. He will come in, sit down, and have a chat about his suitability to be your housemate, shake your hand, and then turn around to leave. It is only when he has turned his back that the entourage of smells which was floating behind him all along will hit you.

Your nostrils will burn, your eyes will water, your ears will ring and your skin will itch. You wonder what the eyes, ears and skin have to do with this? It’s because the smell is so bad the nose can’t suffer alone — it needs other sensory organs to offer moral support.

When you are picking a roommate, be careful to not just smell them. Smell the space behind them.

Quiet

You want someone who keeps to themselves and respects your space, but is not creepily quiet -- you don’t want one of those housemates who slinks around the place like a ghost; muffled footsteps, silent as a cat, never uttering a whisper. Such a person may murder you at some point during the tenure of your lease and then do some wild Netflix-horror-meets-Nollywood-Juju-movie stuff with your corpse.

You need a person who is able to have at least a few conversations, someone who laughs out loud when something funny happens in the compound, someone who is able to offer audible, clear and distinct excuses when the sugar runs out and they want to pretend it wasn’t their turn to buy more.

By quiet I mean someone who owns high quality headphones. You want a housemate whose headphones are so good that they will prefer playing their music in their headphones instead of playing it in their speakers.

That way you not only avoid living under the same roof as psychopaths but you also don’t have to wake up to someone blasting Migos, Da Baby, Diamond Platnumz or whoever the worst musician in the world is at that moment.

God-fearing

A God Fearing housemate is a useful asset to have in your home, especially if you, yourself, are an incorrigible sinner. I am not judging, but you are so wicked that it is you, specifically, that the locusts were looking for when they arrived in East Africa. Everyone else is collateral damage-- they are looking for you in your house in Rwanda. They are on the way.

(No, coronavirus is not a plague from God to punish the wicked. Let’s not be facetious about it. Wash your hands and stay safe).

A God-fearing housemate will pray for the home and the Lord will bless the house with peace and health, even though you have been fornicating all over the premises.

But more than that, you will also get to meet their brethren and sisters in Christ when they come for bible study. And honestly, you need to settle down with someone who is spiritually grounded instead of running after these scandalous chicks and these random dudes you keep hollering at. They are no good for you. All they do is break your heart. You need to change your ways and settle down.

Also, a God fearing housemate won’t drink your liquor, so your alcohol stash will be safe.