They say we are all insecure about something in our lives—insecurity is literally a part of life—but when it comes to relationships, insecurity can be a deal-breaker.

Most relationships that die start with one or both parties being insecure and in situations like marriage, it can even lead to divorce or separation.

It’s a sad truth that everyone never talks about because accusing one party of being insecure can lead to the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Sometimes, these insecurities get in the way of healthy aspects of our lives. It can be really difficult to push them aside and focus on the present moment. If not addressed, insecurities develop into something else.

In some cases, it can breed domestic violence and even death, stemming out of jealousy. Experts say our insecurities have so much power, we feel them and let them influence our attitudes and behaviours, even at a distance.

Carine Umurungi was in a healthy relationship with her fiancé who had to travel for work in a far-off country. As soon as he left, insecurities set in. He would call all the time to find out where she is, what she was doing and who she was with. He would randomly call in the middle of the night to find out if she is home.

"It got to a point where he would not pick voice calls and only wanted us to do WhatsApp video calls at any given time, without prior communication that he will call.

"At first it was okay but then he started calling almost every hour and could not let me have a good night’s sleep. When one time I didn’t pick his video call, he somehow got the maid’s number and called home to find out if I was there,” Umurungi says.

It is at that point that she started feeling that something was wrong and all the time she felt like she was being watched by some invisible eyes. Sometimes he would send over a friend to spy on her.

"I started wondering if this is the person I will live with for the rest of my life. Every time I wouldn’t pick up the phone, he would get angry and threaten to break up. He would go as far as calling at work to know if I was there,” she recalls.

When it became too much, Umurungi decided to walk out of the relationship and that led to even more insecurities, including stalking and threatening her.

How do you know one is insecure?

It is true that most signs of insecurity are subtle and sometimes go undetected. If your spouse or partner doesn’t celebrate your achievements, it is a sign of insecurity. If you get a promotion or raise at work and they don’t seem enthused, they are insecure.

When your partner or spouse is always comparing things with others and never satisfied with what they have or what you have achieved, they are insecure. If you are always comparing things and people, it can get irritating to your partner. Careful, you could be ruining things without knowing in the name of wanting to improve or push yourselves.

Jealousy is the most obvious sign of insecurity. When your partner gets jealous that you spend time with other people, they are insecure. Letting your partner have relationships outside of the one he has with you may take a lot of courage.

When you’re insecure, you have a persistent worry that if you’re not the centre of attention at all times, your partner will lose interest.

If you are afraid that you’re not worthy of being loved or if you often question whether or not your partner really likes you, then you are insecure.

Also, if you feel the love your partner shows you isn’t enough and you need constant reassurance, you might need to reflect on yourself. You might just overwhelm your lover with your constant need for reassurance.

When you need your lover around you and also argue when they travel or go somewhere far, it could be that you are insecure. If you can’t handle long-distance relationships and struggle with trust when your lover is away, it is a bad sign.

The worst of them all is always threatening to break up. It is not just manipulative but you are also holding your partner at ransom and that might just end what you have.

Work on self-improvement and have trust in your partner and life will become easier. Insecurity is a sign of weakness and lack of self-confidence.