Visitors are like heat, smells and cockroaches. If you have a nice house, they will show up sometimes. A moderate amount of heat can be welcome and enjoyable. A fragrance from the kitchen can be tantalising and pleasant. A cockroach, not often but we can’t rule out the possibility, can be interesting if there is nothing on TV and you really lack entertainment. But ultimately there comes a time when they have to be removed and if you want to have a peaceful, fulfilled home life, then you need to know how to get rid of them.

Today I am going to empower you with skills to get rid of visitors who have overstayed their welcome. This will change your life.

There are various techniques that have evolved over time, and, through trial and error, you can learn which to deploy for the highest chance of success at getting rid of visitors.

Drop hints: This is an old method that has been used for centuries. The earliest known instance, according to my research, was in 2999 BC when the Mkunywaji hunter-gatherer settlement made contact with the Mvunjamifupa farmers at the dawn of the Bronze Age.

Before this meeting there was no actual "visiting”. Everyone in any village pretty much lived in the same home. This was the first time anyone qualified as guests.

So the two communities met, hung out and had a great time for a while. But it was getting kind of late and the Mkunywaji people wanted to call it a night — they had to get up early the next morning because, unlike farmers, hunter-gatherers can’t just show up at whatever time and find the plants waiting — you have to get there early or you will find the antelopes have taken all the berries. And then the hunters can’t catch the antelopes, which are all energised from berry carbs and run really fast.

But the Mvunjamifupa didn’t seem like they were about to leave.

The Mkunywaji started yawning overdramatically and pointedly asking about the journey back to Mvunjamifupa: "Will you guys be okay travelling back when it gets dark?”

Finally Chief Mpangowakilevi actually pretended to fall asleep in the middle of the conversation. That was when the idiots got it and finally left.

It has been established ever since as a way to get rid of visitors.

Never invite people who like you to your house: This provides a far better chance of getting them out than the common mistake naive hosts make of inviting just their friends and loved ones. Get people who can’t wait to leave, including people who can’t stand your spouse, hate your cooking or bear deep grudges against your kids.

Buy a couple of cats: If you have cats, people will hate visiting you. After a couple of hours of the beast smearing itself all over their legs and covering their Fenty jeans in its fur, they should be looking at their watches and invoking fears of traffic. If that isn’t enough, because you invited people who wear cheap jeans so they don’t care, that’s fine. Cats can be relied on to saunter around with their tails held high flaunting body orifices I will not elaborate on any further, but which ruin appetites and make people want to leave.

Ask nicely: This is a method that I have not tested, personally, but according to my research, it gets visitors out of your house at least 98 per cent of the time. Following is a sample speech that I can lend you. It’s okay, you don’t need to pay any royalties. Use it as and when necessary:

"Hah ha hah (trailing laughter from the most recent amusing thing a guest has said) you guys, it has been so much fun having you here, we didn’t even notice how time was flying. We have been enjoying your company so much that we didn’t even see how late it was getting! Guys, we have to be turning in. Thank you so much for coming over, thanks so much for honouring our invitation. We love you. Now, pick up your crap and get the hell out. You have 20 seconds, starting now. Nineteen… Eighteen…” etc.

Other methods: Make the visit suddenly turn toxic. You could perhaps start making passive-aggressive comments about your spouses’ infidelity, thus making it uncomfortable for your guests, one of whom is actually sleeping with said spouse.

This will cause them to want to leave very fast unless you invited psychopaths into your home, in which case they will make themselves comfortable and wait for the whole thing to blow up into a full-on argument that they can watch, contribute to, take sides in and finally award points to who they feel is the winner. This could take all night.

Call the cops: I am not a lawyer, and neither is my legal research assistant who has been providing me with all the background data I have called on so far, but she tells me that technically, the minute you decide you no longer want your visitors in your house, they effectively become trespassers, and thus criminals, so you can call the police to have them arrested and thrown in jail. Be prepared to testify at the trial. I have no reason to doubt the validity of her research.

There. Follow this advice and you will only have to worry about smells and roaches from now on.