"There’s a massive parenting shift between our generation and the one before. We’ve come a long way, from when our dad walked in the house and we would jump out of ‘his’ chair, or how we roamed the streets with friends during long, hot days after our parents instructed us not to come back until evening.

"Often in charge of younger siblings, we got into trouble but had a collection of triumphs, scars and memories for life,” 34-year-old Emmanuel Kalisa, a father of two, recalls his childhood days.

In the past few decades, the standards for "good parenting” mostly in the African setting were parents who not only provided for their children, but also taught them to be mannerly, respectful, and responsible.  

Dressing appropriately, doing house chores, and their outward behaviour was the gauge against which the roles the parents were doing was measured. 

All that, according to Kalisa, has changed, as many parents strive to raise their kids differently from how they grew up, and there is a lot of new information about growth and development.  

"Parents now struggle with finding their own unique way of parenting. Many parents are a lot more educated than previous generations, but sometimes it can lead to information overload with not just about how children should grow physically, but how they should grow socially, emotionally, and intellectually.  

"It can be so overwhelming and challenging at times to be a "good” parent today.  No more do you just consider whether you are raising children who act appropriately, and today’s fast-paced, technological society has not made it any easier,” Kalisa adds.

The internet and social media have connected us in ways unimaginable to previous generations that in today’s society, according to Irene Mushambokazi, a mother of three, it is impossible to raise a child spontaneously.  

"We are constantly bombarded with conflicting advice about the relative merits of breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, crib sleeping and co-sleeping, early versus delayed toilet training, each parent must decide for her or himself how best to raise a child. 

Luckily for us, information is at our fingertips, and social media has provided an ever-present jury of our peers, ready to judge our every move,” she says.

This accessibility, she believes, has transformed parenthood, but comes with a vast array of opinions.

"Our children are facing many pressures today that we as parents never had to deal with when we were young. That means we have to change our parenting technique to adapt to today’s society and its pressures,” she says.

For 53-year-old, Leah Musanabera, parenting hasn’t only changed in terms of what is considered safe for children. Parents now worry more about the impact of their parenting on their children, feeling pressured to provide a stream of stimulating activities in a way that would have once seemed absurd. 

"Strict obedience was the order of the day, now it is seen as outdated and potentially dangerous. This has made kids less attached to and influenced by the adults in their lives, as same-age peers have come to matter more to them,” she says.

This, she says, is all about its effectiveness: "Parents will want to do everything right, but nothing prepares them for how much you want it to go well.”

Jackline Iringaniza, a counsellor, believes that modern society puts so much emphasis on productivity and activity. This has led to the emergence of two types of related parenting styles; the "helicopter”, who spend a lot of time hovering, always stay close to their children, ready to direct, help or protect them, and the "lawnmower”, who steps ahead of their children, smoothing their path and making sure nothing gets in their way.

"If we could all slow down, think of all the creative win-win situations we could create with our children,” she says.

Striking a balance

A few essential skills for parents to remember as we live in an ever-changing environment, Iringaniza suggests, is to create a loving space a child can always return to when life gets tough and chaotic.

"Consider small ways to connect with your child each day to create long-lasting memories. Relationships are essential; be deliberate about cultivating an effective relationship with your child by being physically present. Provide opportunities for your child as well to connect with other children and adults who can teach them skills in life,” she says.

In Gordon Neufeld’s book, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, co-authored by Dr Gabor Maté, he stresses that  children "are not rational beings” and that part of growing up is testing boundaries; little ones, by their very nature, should not be relied on to hold each other accountable.

With stakes so high, authoritative parenting would seem imperative, says Musanabera. 

Part of the challenge, she believes, lies in the fact that parents don’t want to fail at nurturing and ruling simultaneously, and they certainly don’t want their children to fail in their personal development, in school and at social networking. 

"This is why we have a growing number of parents who delay to have children until they are "ready” with a secure job, a big home and a responsible partner. 

People intentionally wait so they can have it all, and that creates even more pressure. The bad news is that you will never meet the expectations of modern-day parenting,” she says.

For Mushambokazi, raising children gets harder as they grow, and in the modern world, parents ought to take a different approach to raising children.

"Parents need all the help they can get for each stage of their child’s life. You can be an effective parent in today’s society, using common sense, and a few other professional tips will help you be the parent you want to be,” she says.

editorial@newtimesrwanda.com