Dear Counsellor,
My husband and I had a good marriage. We were both doing well professionally. We have two wonderful children. In addition, we did things together as a family. He never complained and I was satisfied. I got the shock of my life when he said he wanted a divorce without giving a reason, except that he wants to move on. In fact, he moved out and went to live with his secretary. Everybody apparently knew that he was having an affair for years with her. Now, he wants to come back and even wants to remarry me. He only says that it was a mistake to divorce me, but gives no details. To be honest, I do not think I stopped loving him even while he was away. I think it would be good for the children. However, I have many unanswered questions. Should I accept this proposal?
Carol
Dear Carol,
No oneenjoys a break-up, but what should you do if your ex wants a second chance, yet he divorced you thinking that you are not a right fit in his life? To re-marry the person who divorced you for no concrete reason is a sensitive decision and requires considerable effort and commitment to resolve the previous irreconcilable differences. At this point, it’s crucial to apply analytical acumen and chances are; he divorced you impulsively and for stupid reasons. He has tested alternatives and his conclusive discovery finds only you as a good wife. He has met some personal growth that his eyes are now open to this relationship. You kept your cool when he divorced and left you and that has humbled him the more. Things didn’t go well with his mistress, the secretary. Now regardless of the cause, don’t jump straight back into his arms no matter how wildly you fall for him.
Taking him back will send signs of desperation, and it will give him power to wrong you and still come back. He will never fully respect you or treat you like you matter because he knows you’ll be there no matter what he does to you. He left you for someone else before and now he’ll make it a habit to march in and out of your life if and when he pleases. Therefore, before you simply let him into your life again, make sure you have answers to these questions; why did he leave you in the first place and what makes him think you’re the right fit now? Did his mistress dump him and he is using you to numb the pain? Did he learn something from this experience and does he know what he wants? Ask him and see if he stutters or looks away when answering this.
Don’t re-enter a relationship that is exhausting. You don’t have to lower your standards just because you are afraid of being alone. And you don’t need to tolerate inconsistent and toxic behaviour. Getting back together just for the sake of the kids is a bad idea. Did he learn something from this experience and does he know what he wants? Ask him and see if he stutters and looks away when answering this.
You need to make sure you’re not his second choice, so you have to find out what really happened with the other woman. Do NOT take your ex’s word, no matter how much you care for him. If you find out that she dumped him, the chances are, he wants to use you as a temporary solution until another choice comes around, and he will be gone again.
Put him on a probation period for a prolonged period of time. You need to tell him that it would take time before you can trust him again. Do NOT allow him to walk into your life like it’s a public square, where he can hang out and enjoy all its beauty and entertainment for free. Make him work very hard for it. Remember, behaviour never lies. Someone can tell you anything you want to hear, but if they are not sincere, their behaviour will tell you a completely different story. So give it some time.
Finally, for divorced couples to have a loving and successful second marriage, it’s crucial that they accept responsibility for how they contributed to the demise of their first marriage so they don’t make the same mistakes again. Just be sure he is 100 per cent sorry for his actions and he is determined to prioritise you and the relationship under any cost.