Dear Mary,

 

In our growth cycle, the 11 to 20 year bracket is without a doubt one of the most chaotic periods of our existence. During this time, children’s bodies and minds go through rapid and disorderly changes. These changes are marked by overwhelming and often uncontrollable emotions, lack of judgment, poor impulse-control and high-risk behaviour, hence, conflicts between peers, siblings and parents will be inevitable as she struggles to develop her own identity. These are normal changes in behaviour due to growth and development. The only difference is that these changes manifest in each child at varying levels from time-to-time and your 14-year-old daughter is not exempted from this.  Whether it’s an ability to communicate, accept boundaries, meet responsibilities, or get along with others, your daughter hasn’t grasped the adult methods of compromise, the win-win situation and problem solving.  As a result, she is now ruled by her emotions and often uses fighting as a coping skill.  It’s in this context that your 

daughter is now exploring her world and learning to adapt to the varied demands of school, peers, family and the world at large, yet her behaviour makes you feel frustrated, angry and helpless. 

 

Fortunately, even though this period is chaotic, it won’t last forever and this should provide countless opportunities for you to connect with your daughter in a loving and healthy way. The key factors in working with an aggressive child are patience and practice.  What your teenage daughter needs most is for you to have reason, logic and objectivity and not anger, frustration and intolerance. This can be possible if you approach the child with a relationship-building strategy for her to see you as a friend. Children who have good relationships with their parents often reach consensus quickly and thrive in life. The best way is to listen, talk and educate at a time when she’s not blowing up, and you’re not either. In listening without responding or reacting while the outburst is going on, you are teaching your teenager that emotions are manageable. She’s likely to follow ‘what you do’ far more than ‘what you say’. Harsh or angry responses tend to escalate a child’s aggression, be it verbal or physical. 

 

Help her with her homework. Create time after work and introduce activities like reading books, learning simple arithmetic, engaging in basic grammar exercises collectively, among other things. Be a role model. Let your child see you do productive things like reading books or preparing presentations for work ahead of time. That will set a great example for her. If your child isn’t naturally gifted in a particular area, continue to encourage her. 

 

However, when you notice that your daughter’s behaviour has escalated or become alarming, get the school involved. Arrange meetings with trusted teachers and the school counsellor to help her. Also, note that internal mechanisms for self-control can be learned by the child gradually as she steps out of adolescence. It’s not about a father-figure anymore because many single mothers have raised well-disciplined children.