Dear Counsellor,

I recently told my husband that we should open up a joint account but he has refused. He has brought up all sorts of excuses but I think he doesn’t want to be ‘cornered’ yet I also make financial plans for the family. We’ve been married for four years, but I’ve been doing most of the ‘heavy work’ because he didn’t earn much. He recently got a good job and good salary and that’s why I thought we should save on a joint account since I pay the bills, but he simply told me that it is not something he is interested in.  I’m now confused. Is he really serious about this marriage? Am I wrong to want to save for our future? Is he hiding something from me? Does he respect me? Why should I pay bills and also save when he’s piling money on his own account? Am I over looking into things? I asked my friends and they told me not to tolerate it and that I should even leave the bills to him. But I find that disturbing. What should I do? How do I convince him that this is for our own good?

Lillian

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Dear Lillian,

Having a joint account as a couple can work out well if the marriage is established on the strong principles of love, trust, and transparency. When couples open a joint account, they are likely to purchase property together and create a more collective economic unit, a shared identity which may eventually regulate reckless spending by one partner.

A joint account indicates that both partners see it as the first stage in intertwining their lives, and it is a serious commitment. If your husband is hesitant about the idea of having a pooled income, find the appropriate measures to support him, give him assurances and not condemnation. You must find the reason behind this and then talk to your spouse about it. Realise that your partner needs help because ungenerousness is a psychological issue.

There are some secrets to success when it comes to combining money in relationships. However, there are a few questions that you should ask yourself before you persuade your husband: How committed is your husband to the relationship? Do you have a joint budget? Do you have similar spending habits? What makes you feel more at ease with a joint account? Your first step is to make sure you’re on the same page, emotionally and financially, because money issues can tear a marriage apart if you don’t have consistent goals and values.

The benefits of joint accounts include lower costs, easier to budget and, the funds are readily available. It reinforces trust in each other as it makes you work harder to prosper during hard times. If your relationship is struggling, you are more likely to keep more money to yourself as ‘security’.

It might seem more convenient to open a joint account, but if it just doesn’t feel right then don’t risk it.

Your man might be stingy, or he has alternative plans. I believe such a habit is a result of the environment in which he grew, but I am optimistic that with humility and understanding, you’ll be able to convince your spouse to open a joint account. Once he agrees to this idea, calculate how much you will contribute, then have a budget for your monthly expenses and stick to it.

It might take some time but with discipline, everything will fall in place.

Your feedback

Is Lillian’s husband hiding something? Readers offer their advice.

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He is dodging responsibility

It is clear that he does not want any financial responsibility in the home and wants to burden you with bills. Politely inform him that you cannot take on the full responsibility of footing the bills. That way, he will learn to be responsible and you won’t have anything to worry about.

Jackie Uwamahoro, Parent

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He is dodging responsibility

I think once people get married, it’s best to combine finances. I find it suspicious that your husband wants to do things on his own. It’s strange and you need to sit down with him and find out what is really going on before you regret it.

Richard Alireki, Parent

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Understand his motives

You need to understand why he is doing this, maybe he has his reasons. Then you can work out solutions. Don’t jump to conclusions because sometimes men feel more comfortable handling issues of finances unaided.

Fiona Karemera, Student

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Give it time

Give him some time and see if he will find your suggestions significant. It could be that he thinks the marriage is still too fresh to start planning together financially.

Teddy Gatesi, Vendor

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Respect his decision

There could be a number of reasons as to why he is doing this. It may be that he has a lot of debts and he doesn’t feel comfortable letting you know, or he just wants you to learn how to manage your money on your own. Take it one day at a time and don’t push him.

Jean Damascene Sibomana, Plumber

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Is he like this generally? Or is it only when it comes to finances? You need to assess if it applies to almost everything he does, if it doesn’t, then there is definitely something going on. Have a conversation with him and sort this out.

Kelly Mugisha, Banker