Ah Valentine’s Day, another non-African practice that infiltrated our colonized minds. And like all things foreign, it started slowly, embraced by a few ‘elites’. And now it’s making prisoners out of everyone. My mother called to ask why I hadn’t wished her a happy Valentine’s Day. "Don’t you love me?”

Valentine’s Day preys on our pathological need for love and companionship and every time mid-February comes around we all panic. And then we get defensive. And then we attack each other.

If your boyfriend didn’t go all out on Valentine’s Day then your relationship is in trouble. He probably has another girlfriend. Or a wife.

If he had bought you flowers and a gift you wouldn’t have resisted the urge to tell the world about it. There is a chance that you’d have tagged him in a long social media post about being "loved by the best” thereby ruining his actual relationship.

Or maybe he just does not want you to confuse the situationship you are in with a relationship. A situationship occurs when two people act like they are in a relationship but one of them (usually the guy), doesn’t want to commit to labels.

If you were in a relationship, he would have celebrated the day with you. He would have been glad to have you on his arm. Then the two of you would have taken selfies to prove to the world that you’re each other’s ‘before anyone else’.

If you went out on Valentine’s Day, your relationship is in trouble. There are 365 days in a year. If you are so in love, why do you need to validate your love on a particular day? If movies and romantic novels are anything to go by, you’re supposed to die for each other every day all year long.

But you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day without fail because you secretly need proof that you are the only one. Or at least the main one. Either way there are definitely some trust issues that need ironing out.

If you are single but you still celebrated Valentine’s Day because you believe that the day is about love-even self-love, you’re lying to yourself. You secretly felt the need to remind yourself that you are lovable. Every day of your single life the world questions your lovability and you’re secretly questioning it too.

On Valentine’s Day, therefore, you feel the need to tell the world that you’re fine alone. That you don’t need to be with someone to be happy. You’re happy to lie to the world that you’re the rare type of human who needs no companionship. Nobody believes you.

And you can argue that you don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because it’s a foreign concept. That you are a proud African and you refuse to give in to foreign whims. But even as you say it, you are saying it in a foreign language. And your clothes are made in China.

In the end, you easily be accused of being an unromantic, unfeeling person who cannot enjoy the simple joys in life.

Nobody gets to win.