Having heard me give a speech, my grandmother excitedly congratulated me on my brilliance. I was about to part my lips to say thank you when she went on to express shock at how I, ‘a girl’, could be so smart. "I wish you had been born a boy!” she concluded.

My grandmother’s comments hurt and offended me.I wanted to engage her on her appalling reverse sexism.But then I reminded myself that my grandmother is ninety years old and it would be a total waste of time and emotions to try to change her mind about certain things. I bit my tongue, took the backhanded compliment and went on my way.

This week in an argument about a mathematical formula, someone was "impressed” by the fact that I, a woman, was interested in sciences.I was about to bite my tongue again. But then I decided that it was about time I stopped accepting derogatory compliments from people.

Derogatory compliments are very common. In fact, most of us are so fond of negating compliments that we don’t even know when we are doing it.

We think we are complimenting someone when we say "Most fat people don’t look nice in white but you do.” Or "You are surprisingly gentle given your tribe.” And then there is the common "You’re not Rwandan? Are you sure? But you’re so beautiful!” Like non-Rwandans are not allowed to look nice.

And when we are on the receiving end of offensive remarks dressed as compliments, wehide the fact that we are offended. We smile. We don’t speak out against it for fear of offending peopleafter they have said something seeminglynice.

I think it’s because only a handful of people are so confident in themselves that they don’t have much use for compliments. The rest of us need compliments for our emotional well-being.

We specially fear to reject ill-intentioned compliments from people that are close to us. Parents. Siblings. Spouses. Friends. We don’t want to be in conflict with them and also, we are in constant need of their approval.

But by accepting derogatory compliments, we are telling people that it’s okay to disrespect us. To stereotype us. We give them the power to make us feel bad about ourselves; our sizes, backgrounds, gender etc. And there is nothing okay about that.

People need to know that compliments are full in themselves. You don’t have to add anything else. You can congratulate someone on their success without reminding them of their painful past. They don’t have amnesia.

You can tell someone you like their hairstyle without adding that it does a good job concealing the weird shape of their head. They are already aware of how they look.

Telling a woman that she is so good at driving she might as well be a man is not a compliment. Being a good driver is not a biological assignment.

In sum of it all, I think it is arrogant and insensitive to give derogatory remarks. And while I thought that to receive them is to be polite, I am now inclined to think that people do it because they have not mastered self-worth.