I recently started playing basketball. Since then, I have endured so many short people jokes from my friends that I am contemplating releasing an audiovisual song to address the hateful comments.

In the video, I will obviously be on a basketball court dribbling ever so swiftly people will think that I am in fast forward mode. Wait. I think that should be a line in the song. "I dribble so fast haters think I’m in fast forward mode. They don’t see me coming’. Don’t see me going’.”

And my opponents (Is that what they call them in basketball? My knowledge of the game is still scanty) will be falling away as I shoot and score basket after basket. Everyone in the video will be watching me in envy and awe.

Then I will organise for a concert based on that one song because obviously it will be a hit. I mean who could honestly fail to be inspired by my ignoring haters and pursuing my dream? Isn’t that the story of everyone’s life…if social media is anything to go by?

The other challenge I have been facing since I started working towards my dream is resistance from my body. Previously at zero level of fitness, my body now wakes up on sit-down strike every morning.

So for the past three days, I have been walking and grunting like a zombie with a stiff spine. But no pain no gain, right? 

Oh by the way, in case you think that my dream is to be a pro basketball player, congratulations, you are an idealist. I guess you haven’t acquainted yourself with the phrase: "old dogs don’t lean new tricks.” Not that I previously had any sports tricks to begin with.

So why am I playing basketball? To be less fat. I can’t say "to be thinner” because that would be saying that I am thin now which would be very misleading. I pride myself in being an honest person.

My friends claim that I don’t need to lose weight but most of them are actually thin.I think they just want to always look at me their fat friend and feel better about themselves. I won’t let that happen.

In case you’re wondering why I suddenly decided to lose the pounds and why basketball was my choice of sport, well…I drew inspiration from the presence of a very fine-looking and at the start, seemingly legible bachelor at the basketball court. 

Oh Andrew. He is so dreamy. His towering height. His charming smile. His forced American accent. His soft calm mysteriousness. He makes me feel things.

Now I know that the thing with Andrew is probably headed nowhere. Mostly because the more we talk, the more I realize just how little our interests and characters intertwine. 

But at least this time when the temporary insanity leaves me and I leave the basketball court never to return, I will not have completely wasted my time. I will be healthier. 

This will have been the most productive relationship I have ever had. And Andrew and I are not even in a relationship. Life is hard.