Whether it is at the beginning, during and after you break up with someone, relationships are never short of drama. I have heard people say things like ‘if we break up, I don’t know you.’ In fact, to them, you could be one of the estimated seven billion people roaming the world and they won’t be bothered. I may not necessarily agree with them but I understand.
You don’t switch love on and off
Whether it is at the beginning, during and after you break up with someone, relationships are never short of drama. I have heard people say things like ‘if we break up, I don’t know you.’ In fact, to them, you could be one of the estimated seven billion people roaming the world and they won’t be bothered. I may not necessarily agree with them but I understand.
How you deal with a breakup really depends on individual situations and it’s hard to say that it will work in every situation or that it won’t work in any.
That said, personally, if I have loved you before, then I am open to friendship; at least after I have dried my tears and healed from my wounds.
As you grow older, there are things that you see differently and lessons that you get to draw from your experiences. For instance, way after a relationship is over and the emotions have settled from the rollercoaster they went on when someone you truly loved told you that it was over, if you are rational enough, you sometimes get to realise that you are better with that person as friends than lovers.
If the relationship is built on a solid friendship, I don’t see why it should be hard for you to drop what didn’t work (in this case, romance) and continue with what was working way before the entanglement. If two people can be mature adults and be in control of their emotions, then there is no reason why they should not stay close.
If I have been with you, I have given you a part of myself because I really loved you. Let’s not pretend your feelings immediately disappear just because things haven’t worked out. It is important to know that because I have been with you in something that is that intimate on all levels, I will always care about you, though that does not mean that I am in love with you.
If I cared about you before, well after I have dealt with the pain that came with breaking up with you, I will always have a soft spot for you because love is not a switch that you can put on and off. The characteristics of a relationship are not that much different from a good friendship and they can be easily transferred. So, why not?
Then there is the issue of friends that we share. I would never want to put my friends through the hassle of having to take sides. If the breakup has happened, I perhaps expect their love and support but I think that they should not be subjected to suffer the consequences of some failed attempts.
Just because I am not dating our mutual friend should not mean that they can’t still hang out for the occasional Friday drink and I don’t see why it should be a problem if I am adult enough to move on from what could have been.
No. If it’s over, it’s over
When a relationship is fresh, there’s an incredible sense of connection I’m not sure I can explain; perhaps I can, but finding the right words is proving hard, so I’m going to assume you get the point. I know they say you only find true love once, but if I had a franc for every time I thought I’d found ‘the one’, I’d be lending money to the likes of Oprah.
Then things go pear-shaped, and what was once a fondness so great, is now an overwhelming stench in your life. That‘s how breakups are. Even when done amicably (no tantrums), there’s still a part of someone that secretly wishes a slow and painful death on whoever was ‘responsible’ for the demise of the relationship.
And sadly, exes don’t just disappear from the face of the earth, no matter how hard you wish they would. They keep existing – seemingly for the sole purpose of appearing when you’re terribly in need of a salon, some fresh clothes and some makeup and then – boom, there they are, still alive - and to your utter disgust, looking fabulous!
I’m a strong believer in what is done is done. Am I going to jeer better than a Nigerian or spit his way every time I bump into him? Perhaps not. But I’m also not going to invite him to birthday parties and drink-ups – or call him just to see how he’s doing - any time soon, just to prove I’m truly over him and can handle being friends.
It really doesn’t matter who ended the relationship, the fact is that it ended! What more business do we have? If we couldn’t be friends in our relationship (spending more time fighting than actually having a relationship), it only makes sense that ‘friendship’ is not our thing – so why force it?
Besides, moving on as I might, (hypothetically speaking), every time I see him, I will remember that he was the one who sent my best friend naughty messages and played games with my very good natured heart. That alone will piss me off, and if he’s lucky, I will hate him forever. If he’s not, depending on the mood I’m in, he might just have to schedule a visit to the emergency room as a result of the glass that ‘slipped’ from my hand, into his face!
And people might not agree with me on this, but keeping your ex around after a breakup might sabotage your steps towards a new romance. You might think staying friends is the mature thing to do, when actually, your ex is sucking up so much of your emotional bandwidth that you have zero energy left for whoever is next.
In 2002 when superstar Jennifer Lopez opened a restaurant with her then husband Chris Judd, not only did she piss him off by calling it Madres, a name suggested by Ben Affleck, who Judd felt was a threat to their relationship, she also hired her ex husband as the restaurant’s manager. If that is not madness, I don’t know what is. Poor Mr Judd sat awkwardly at the opening, being served by his wife’s ex and also dealing with the fact that Affleck was out to get his woman.
If you have in fact moved on, there is no need to prove anything to anyone. This whole ‘being civil’ thing is merely an excuse for those who end up running back! Cut the ties already, leave the past behind and march into the future with nothing holding you back.