“I have to go to work but please clean your room and also help with the dishes,” a parent tells her teenage daughter who is on school holiday. But the response is astonishing.
"I have to go to work but please clean your room and also help with the dishes,” a parent tells her teenage daughter who is on school holiday. But the response is astonishing.
"What is the maid for?” the daughter retorts.
Back in the day girls would compete on who was more hard working in the home. Who was better at ironing clothes, cooking and generally wanted to be associated with ensuring that everything in a home was in shape. It was the same for boys as they ensured that the compound at home would not grow into a bush and even helped with household chores like cooking and sweeping.
Today, what we have is a far cry. The children instead fight for who should take charge of the remote control as they order housemaids around for everything- from getting them a glass of juice in a fridge to washing their hankies as their eyes are glued on the television.
19-year-old Vanessa Ineza just completed her A Level studies. She barely knows her way around the kitchen, let alone how to attend to her dirty laundry since all house chores are given to the maid.
Her day starts at around midday; she wakes up, takes a shower, and has lunch, which is always ready at the dining table. She then hits the road to wherever her feet take her.
As someone with plenty of time before college starts, is Ineza doing something constructive, or is she a breath away from trouble?
Parents are busy; in fact, they’ve gotten busier over the years. But children remain tomorrow’s leaders; therefore, are parents doing enough to raise their young ones into responsible citizens?
A counselor, who asked for anonymity, remembers a session in which a mother shared her heart-wrenching story concerning her teenage daughter.
"My daughter won’t even talk to me; she is such a selfish person. I don’t know why I even bothered having kids, nothing good has come from it,” the troubled parent apparently told her.
"We receive a lot of cases on the issue of parenting and the pain is very deep but these are serious issues we are facing in our society and the world seems to be quiet about it,” the counselor says.
Damien Mouzoun, a counselor and CEO of Ayina Think Tank, an organisation that deals with family and relationship problems, says that the professional success of many families today brings with itself a very hard time for them when it comes to the issue of parenting.
He argues that children easily take for granted the privileges they have and become so comfortable with the lifestyle of luxury that they don’t know how to work hard and earn an honest day’s wage.
Children spend a lot of time on television with no real moral guidance; they are not prepared to resist temptation and threats and consequently become vulnerable.
"Parenting faces serious challenges that can make or break the future of our children. In the face of academic stress, media bombardment, bullying, addictions, and peer pressure, children are becoming more vulnerable, and poor parenting has made matters worse,” Mouzoun says.
He advises parents to always be a mirror to their children and that they should know that everything they do or say is instantly installed in the sub consciousness of the child they are raising.
Today’s challenging world requires that parents have quality time for the family and not be working simply to keep food on the table.
"Building harmony in the family, listening attentively to the children, learning to discipline without necessary punishing, creating a real spirit of fun, trust, adventure and excitement in the family and being responsible for their words and actions is a wise step towards parenting,” Mouzoun says.
Pastor Hassan Kibirango of Christian Life Assembly is of the view that what we see today in families breaking down is a result of the effects of modernity, among a number of other reasons.
He says that the world is moving so fast and has become a global village. There’s a lot of pressure on all of us, especially the urban elite to be able to make ends meet and therefore provide for our families.
The standard and cost of living has exponentially grown and because of this, children in today’s families have had to bear the cost of modernity.
"It’s become difficult to pursue balance all these things. It takes tremendous sacrifice and evaluating our priorities in order to do both well. So the missing piece in my view is priority and sacrifice.
"We are only getting busier and our responsibilities are only increasing, but there always has to be priorities for us as parents and our children must always rank among the top three,” Kibirango says.
According to Kibirango, you can pay premium for good schools and all these niceties but the value of parenting will always be the time a parent gives the children especially in the formative years of our children.
The pastor dismisses the stereo type that when a child becomes a failure, it’s the mother’s fault arguing that parenting is a responsibility of both parents.
"The stereotype is absurd because actually the lot falls more on the father as the head of the family. Actually the success of the child is primarily the responsibility of the father than the mother so the notion that failures of children are attributed to mothers and successes to fathers is a wrong assertion that emanates from old cultural patronage,” he says.
Drug abuse/ street children a creation of poor parenting
One would argue that issues such as the increasing number of street children or the use of illicit drugs primarily stem from the issue of parenting.
In a research conducted by National Commission for Children in 2012, the issue of parenting was among the root cause of the problem of street children in the country.
The majority of street children (53 per cent) interviewed were ‘children of the street’ that were living on the streets full time and have no contact with their families, the other 47 per cent were ‘children on the streets’ meaning they spent most of their day time on the streets but returned home at night. A total of 1,087 street children were interviewed.
Dr Claudine Uwera Kanyamanza, the Executive Secretary at the National Commission for Children, says some of the reasons why children run away from home include lack of a caretaker or parents’ irresponsibility, poverty, lack of school fees and materials, juvenile delinquency, parents’ separation and mistreatment by parents or step-parents.
She, however, says that strategies were put in place to deal with the root cause.
"We are aiming at promoting a regular dialogue between children and parents and devising some government interventions such as designing a training module for parents and for community mobilisation on children’s rights, community responsibility to child protection and family conflict resolution,” Kanyamanza says.
The Minister of Gender and Family Promotion, Dr Diane Gashumba, reveals that the Ministry is concerned about some parents, educators and local authorities being irresponsible and therefore necessary strategies are being put in place to deal with the issue.
She says that they are intensifying efforts in sensitising the community and leaders at umudugudu (village) level.
"We are involving different stakeholders in this campaign. We also rely on early childhood centres to provide a space for positive parenting discussions among couples. The Ministry is also working with relevant institutions to apply laws in case such instances keep on occurring,” she adds.
Where are the parents?
Paul Turatsinze, a father of two, argues that today’s busy world is the root cause of all this yet little can be done to change it.
He says that parents are torn between making money and looking after their kids.
He, however, calls upon parents to try as hard as they can to be there for their children, otherwise all their hard work will go to waste.
For Gloria Kanyange, some parents take their love so far that even punishing children for wrong doing is unheard of in their household.
"Parents should understand that loving a child means wanting what’s best for them in the long-term, and this means showing them what is right from wrong. Not punishing your son or daughter could show that you mean well but this is a total set for failure in your child’s future.”
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I SAY: Are parents doing enough to raise responsible children?
Goreth Uwizeyimana, secretary
It’s true that some parents used to leave all the work concerning the welfare and upbringing of their children to housemaids. Nowadays, many parents are taking the initiative to devote more time to raising responsible and upright children. They now sit down with their children and listen, advise and guide them accordingly. This commitment will help nurture responsibilityin life.
Virginia Nyiranzimana, tailor
I can’t fail to acknowledge the priceless efforts made by some parents in raising responsible children; though the fact remains that others have shifted the responsibility to their housemaids. You find the maid in charge of almost everything regarding a child. Some of these helpers have no real knowledge regarding raising a child, not only responsibly but even morally. I believe the problem escalates from the lack of time for their children by parents, and the solution still lies there.
Ruth Dusabeyesu, student
There is no doubt every parent wishes their children will grow up as responsible individuals, who will not only take care of themselves, but also those around them. However, we all know it’s not an easy job to raise responsible children, not with the corrupt world around us. It requires a lot of commitment, time, love and certain skills, all which a passionate parent should possess. In my opinion, parents are on the right path, though much more is still needed.
Christine Mukarusina, pharmacist
Though it’s not enough for a child of this generation, parents are doing their best. Unlike before where children were not exposed to different things that could easily attract their focus; today it’s a different case. Children are growing up in an environment which exposes them to so many challenges. So it’s up to parents to take an extra mile in understanding their children, and guide them effectively to make the most out of life, not only by instilling a sense of responsibility in them, but also enlightening them on the world around them.
Compiled by Dennis Agaba