In September 2004, only five months after they met, the then chart topping pop singer Britney Spears got married to her backup dancer Kevin Federline.
In September 2004, only five months after they met, the then chart topping pop singer Britney Spears got married to her backup dancer Kevin Federline. If how quickly the two had decided to get hitched shocked the world, then the fact that the singer, who was already a millionaire by then, had actually popped the question, was even more bizarre.
Oscar winning actress and singer Jennifer Hudson has done it, proposing to the father of her son, David Otunga.
Legendary actress Elizabeth Taylor proposed to Montgomery Clift, though interestingly, he said no. Halle Berry popped the question to David Justice, Singer Pink proposed to Carey Hart. The best of them all is Hungarian-born actress and socialite Zsazsa Gabor, who got married nine times—once to hotel magnate Conrad Hilton—popped the question each and every time. So, what is the big deal about women popping the question?
Should we still accept traditional gender roles when it comes to wedding proposals? Women popping the question may seem like a taboo, with some arguing that if a man is ready to tie the knot he’ll ask the woman. But others say it’s time to leave that old tradition behind, insisting women too should feel free to take the initiative.
Annette Mbabazi is a modern day woman but she frowns when I ask if she would pop the question.
"I do not think I can,” she says adding that in that area, she prefers to keep it traditional, leaving the man to be the one to go on one knee and ask for her hand in marriage.
She insists that everyone is happier in a relationship when men and women appreciate their unique places, leaving the man to play his part and the woman hers.
Lisa Omwandho says that she is also old fashioned and agrees that the role of a man and that of a woman are defined, and says that relationship values are still the same even if you factor in modernity.
"As women are in such a hurry to be ‘free’ and ‘independent’, they have forgotten that for thousands of years, nature will still always determine the roles one has. Man provides, woman nurtures. By trying to take back this so-called lost control from men and wearing pants so to say, we are destroying our sons and then complain when they grow up to be men who don’t know how to treat women,” she says.
She says that if women want to call the shots even when in areas where it should be a man’s part, they then shouldn’t complain when things don’t work out in the end.
"Why complain that a man is not being a man when you so quickly want to take away what is essentially his responsibility by force? How else will he act but emasculated? How else will his son act,” she wonders.
Emmanuel Munyakayanza laughs when asked what his reaction would be if a woman he is dating proposed to him. He calls the move desperate.
"In my opinion, if a woman proposed to me, I would take it as a sign of desperation. It should be a masculine move to propose but if a woman did it, it would seriously raise eyebrows. Modernity shouldn’t take away all our traditions. I guess it should just improve on some of our ways of looking at things but not completely change our beliefs,” he says.
Sharon Mugisha also says that tradition wouldn’t allow her to propose but says there should be an exception.
"If we’ve been cohabiting for years and I feel we should make it official or we have been dating for a very long time and I feel we should get married, I’d definitely propose. Otherwise, I’d probably hint about wanting marriage and prove that I am marriage material but wouldn’t do the asking,” she says.
Honorine Ngombwa thinks that the whole proposing process is way too masculine, adding that even equality should have boundaries.
"Is there anything more romantic than your boyfriend dropping on one knee with a ring asking you to spend the rest of your life with him? It would be odd and weird if a woman did it,” she says.
Of course not everyone thinks that marriage proposals are only a thing for men.
Yvonne Kwezi says that, though most men feel inferior if a woman does that, she does not see what the fuss about who proposes in a relationship is all about.
"Honestly you have to be very sure the guy is that into you, otherwise he will take off. I fear rejection but not judgment but I must admit that it takes lots of courage too,” she says.
Hakim Mugabe, who describes himself as an unconventional man, says that he has always pondered on that thought.
"I appreciate an empowered independent woman; she’s a challenge and an inspiration. I would not find it strange at all if someone I am dating asked for my hand in marriage, in fact, I would say yes. If you think of it, only a weak man would find it strange because they see it as a threat to their ego,” he says.
Patrick Niyonzima says that proposing is not about getting on one knee and wonders why it should matter yet both people are in love.
"Sometimes I think people don’t know what love is, when you are in love, what people think of you does not matter anymore. If I love you, I won’t find it weird at all but if we are not, then I would think that you have lost your mind,” he says.
Shukuru Ruyondo says that he would only find a marriage proposal from his girlfriend a bit strange because it’s something that is highly unusual.
"I can find it strange simply because we are not used to it. I cannot immediately accept her proposal. I could, however, accept on her third or 4th attempt after I have done my investigations thoroughly well about her real intentions,” he says.
What religious leaders say
Sheikh Salim Hitimana, the Mufti of Rwanda, says, "Culturally, there is no girl who pays bride price for herself. In Islam, it’s really the same. The bride and groom could like each other and families can agree and discuss the way forward but it is unheard of for a young lady to propose marriage to a man. That is what generally happens for a girl who has never been married.
"For a woman who is divorced, Islam allows her to make any decision that she wants about who she wants because she is considered to be on another level.”
According to Pastor Emmanuel Karegyesa of Eglise Anglican Au Rwanda, Giporoso, there are instances "where we see women push men and eventually marry them”.
"Ruth and Boaz, for instance, it is not explicit but implied in Ruth 3:1-10. It’s a cultural tradition rather than spiritual requirement and it varies from culture to culture. God never said that women shouldn’t propose. Neither did He say only men can propose,” he said.
The issue of who should propose in a relationship is a contentious one but should it really matter? If two people love and understand each other, why should it really be a matter of who says what first. Yes, tradition is important but if tradition is not hurting anyone or anything, why should it be one sided.
We are in the 21st century. Women are employed and they are leaders, engineers, doctors, pilots, etc. It is important not to burry culture but it’s also important to realise that it isn’t static. Obviously, in the end, it is important to choose whatever option works better for you.
**********************************************
How to propose to your boyfriend
Proposing to your boyfriend can be sticky business, given the many centuries behind us of layered social and cultural tradition that dictate that it’s the male’s duty to court and eventually propose to the female.
In these modern times, however, many women feel the urge to pop the question and gain a commitment that they’re sure about. How do you sidestep one of civilisation’s oldest rituals and get the man you want? Take a deep breath and get started!
1.Reach your own sense of comfort with making this move. There is no reason that a woman cannot make a proposal to a man these days. What may be holding you back is fairytale visions, concerns about the man’s feelings, and simply getting up the courage to ask something that can carry the risk of rejection.
2.Be sure that he is "the one” and that you are totally ready for this commitment before launching in. How will this change your life and can you see yourself as being fulfilled with such changes?
3.Gauge your boyfriend’s chances of proposing to you. Before you consider proposing, be alert to the possibility that he might be considering proposing. The following "about-to-propose” indicators might help your sleuthing:
•How long have you been together? The longer the time, the more likely he’s thinking of proposing.
•What does he say when you tell him you want to be with him forever? Notice his reactions. Or maybe he is the one doing all the talking about the future.
•Has he been acting a little nervous lately, and perhaps even showing interest in other people’s weddings? Perhaps he’s started saving up all of a sudden, or he’s even indulged you by asking what you’re reading when looking at bridal magazines in the store.
•Is he spending more time with you and less with his friends lately? Does he appear more nervous around your own friends?
•You’ve caught him looking in your jewellery box.•He’s keen to spend time around your parents and family all of a sudden.•He’s arranged an unexpected outing that is out of character. It could be the proposal!
4. Be considerate of the emotional realities. While the modern approach to proposals has been turned on its head, the old-fashioned notions continue to linger. So, be understanding that there is a sense of "weirdness” for some men when it comes to a woman doing the proposing. Whether he’s the biggest jock or the biggest geek, a lot of men are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman assuming the role of the "proposer”. Ask yourself: Is your guy enlightened enough to handle this?
5. Consider sounding out his possible reaction by creating a fictitious scenario in which a co-worker or a friend of a friend who is a female proposed to her now-husband. Tell him about it and gauge his reaction from the story by weaving in your opinion about what happened and eliciting his views with some careful questions or statements. Based on these reactions, you will have a better idea of his responsiveness.
6. Be reassured by the fact that many men need and actually like this "nudge”, especially to change long-term dating or cohabiting into a marriage.
Consider if you’re enlightened enough to handle this. Gone will be your guy getting down on bended knee. And gone will be a romantic gesture at which you get to flutter and feel fussed over. Are you OK with this? Because if you’re not, stop right now!
7. Will you be happy when other people keep asking things like "So where did he propose to you?” and "How did he propose to you?” You will have a lot of setting people straight on this, so be forewarned that a good sense of humor is much needed!
8. If you’re the kind of woman who lives life large and isn’t worried about conventions and knows what she wants, this step will be a breeze to jump over. When you know what the right thing to do is, you know it, so get to it!
9. Prepare for the proposal. This is up to you but you’re now in the position of making it as romantic, wonderful, surprising, and loving as possible. Things to think about include:
•Where will you propose? Think about what places matter a lot to both of you, as well as a place where you’ll be sure that the two of you won’t be interrupted or distracted.
•Take care to avoid simply switching how you think you’d like to be proposed to and planting that idea onto this proposal. He’s a man and flowers and intimate candlelit dinners may not be the best way to his heart on this occasion. Use what you know about your boyfriend to tailor a very special proposal.
•The ring isn’t really an issue here. If he says yes, the two of you can now do the modern thing of choosing your engagement rings together.
10. Think about what you’re going to say. There is no standard proposal and no right or wrong way but it is important to express how much you love him and to identify specific things about him that cause you to want to spend the rest of your life with him. Brief is good. He will probably be very surprised and the more you drag it out, the harder it gets for both of you!
11. Propose. You are going to be nervous and there is always a risk of a negative or non-committal response. Be prepared for that and also have a gracious response in reply in that event. If you’ve read all the signs right though, he is likely to say yes.
•Let your heart guide you. While it’s a good idea to rehearse your proposal words beforehand, it’s also good to keep some of it spontaneous.
•Admit to your nervousness; this vulnerability is endearing and helps your boyfriend to understand just how much courage this is requiring from you.
•Celebrate. If he says yes, have something special planned to celebrate the occasion such as opening a bottle of champagne or going somewhere that’s special to both of you.
•Maintain a mood of grace and acceptance if he says no or that he needs time to think it over. Putting on a turn or cold-shouldering him will only cause him to feel reassured that declining your proposal was the right thing to do. Tell him it’s OK to take more time but that your proposal definitely still stands.
What to do if your boyfriend rejects your proposal?
Accept his honesty -- at this stage, he is telling you it’s not the right time for him to say yes. It doesn’t mean he is rejecting you, it does mean that he needs to think about things and where he sees himself with you. Let him know it’s okay, that while you’d have liked an answer in the affirmative, you’re good with his honesty and strength. Keep the relationship going strongly, and in time, he’ll come around (unless you’re not meant to be together).
Agencies
**********************************************
YOUR VOICE: Is it weird for a woman to propose?
Shiffa Mwesigye, journalist
Some things should just be left to gender dynamics. A girl has to feel wanted and a man has got to keep his pride when he wins you over. Don’t take that away from him. Proposing shows desperation.
Salmon Jonas, entrepreneur
It would depend on how long we have been together. If it’s a short time I would first assume marriage is being rushed for a reason. If it’s a long time I guess it would mean she was just tired of waiting. I wouldn’t find it embarrassing and I would say yes, although my ego would have taken a beating.
Trevor Olinga, student
It would be a cute thing that my girlfriend thinks of me that way and would love to spend the rest of her life with me, but I wouldn’t handle the fact that she asked. She has to wait for me to do it when I am ready and it would be nice if I was buying the ring, not her.
Martha Abwooli, businesswoman
I’d never propose to a man. I’d sort of feel like I’m the one marrying him and highly doubt I’d still respect him if he even said yes. It’s one of those natural things a man should do. Hunt and maintain his mate. Thus lead the way to further commitment for life. I guess I am old fashioned in that sense. I would do everything possible to give him indirect messages that make it clear that I need him to propose to me.