Edward is back in my life. In case you’re wondering who Edward is, he’s a guy who wasted my oxygen and carbohydrates for two years and then he suddenly sprung it on me that he was getting married. But not to me. I said some very bad words to him and issued him a verbal death certificate.

But once he was gone, I sat myself down and realized that this man had done me a favour. He had spared me from spending a lifetime with a lying cheating *bad word.* I sent him a message thanking him for the precious gift of freedom.

I don’t know what it is with us humans. We can be such narcissists. It’s not enough to hurt someone. We want that after we hurt them, they spend eternity trying but never succeeding in being over us. And we keep ‘just checking’ on them just to make sure.

And so it is with Edward. He now wants us to be friends. After all, he says, he is married and I am over him. I’m not one of those ungrateful human beings who would deny friendship to a man who so generously saved me from making a chronic mistake.

But knowing Edward, soon he will want to have a cup of coffee and an affair. And I would totally be fine with it. I would.

You see someone wise once said that it’s not a terrible thing to eat a frog. But that if ever you should eat a frog, you should eat a fat, succulent one.

So to have or not to have an affair with Edward is not really a question of right and wrong. The question is; is Edward a fat succulent frog? The answer is no.

Edward is not in position to fly me to Hawai for a two-week holiday so that I can come back with an American accent.

Edward can’t give me an ATM card which I can use to withdraw limitless amounts of money. I also want to buy designer clothes and an apple phone so that I can take pictures and post them on social media with the caption, "hashtag blessed” or even a long inspirational quote about working hard.

Edward can’t buy me a beautiful car so that people can come to me for advice on how to make it in life. He can’t buy me a house so beautiful but so big that I will be afraid to sleep in it. And if people hear of it, they call me Illuminati.

And I’m not saying that Edward is not smart. But in the off-chance that I conceived, I would have to start begging God to please let my baby only maintain my genes. 

So if karma caught up with me for having an affair with Edward and I produced a half-human half-alien baby, would it be worth it? I will look at my hum-alien baby and cry, "this is all my fault!” in a Nigerian accent (because I think it’s more effective), but what will it have been for?