This week’s Loose Talk was supposed to be about one of two things: I had planned on either penning something about why Loose Talk is so massively popular, or something about the types of journalists we have in this town.

But all that has had to wait because it’s Valentine’s Day as you read this.

As you may already know, such celebrations are meaningless and useless to me and my not-so-well-behaved friends.

I see someone is about to ask why then I’m still obsessed with the day, now that I have claimed to loathe it with all my bile.

Well, it’s called being an opportunist. What is to be an opportunist? To be an opportunist is to have that uncanny ability to milk and exploit every situation to your advantage.

Like me.

That is why as you read this I’m now milking this cow called Valentine’s –a cow that I have never fed.

So how have I been milking Val’s Day? 

Well, it started off with me squeezing interviews out of the throats of our usual-suspect celebs and socialites in Kigali.

The allegedly all-sexy Kiss FM radio personality Sandrine Isheja Butera was my first port of call as I started to ask those all too redundant questions: "What has been your most memorable Valentine’s to date?”, and "Who would your ideal Valentine’s opposite number be”, and all those daft questions that editors force reporters to ask celebrities whenever Cupid comes floating in the air.

These same editors will ask you to go to Downtown Kigali (read Nyabugogo) every time Christmas is around the corner. Then you are expected to interview many sweaty and irritable last-minute shoppers and traders. The traders will then lament the lack of customers in the run-up to that year’s particular Christmas, and how things were slightly less tight in previous years.

Before leaving Nyabugogo, the reporter will further be expected to ask people in what ways they think Jesus would have been killed had he lived today.

And that, Lays n Gen’men, ooops … I meant Ladies and Gentlemen – brings today’s Loose Talk to a most premature, most unceremonious.