Why should you? Because it makes possible the peace and happiness that you long for. Because it leads you to know your own inner strength and sense of self. Because it is the most powerful tool for healing the relationships with both yourself and others. Most importantly, it is the keystone of true health and wellbeing This is the power of forgiveness.

Most of us squirm when the topic of forgiveness comes up. This is because we all have that "thing” in our lives that is "unforgivable” – that act so horrible we could not imagine having the courage or compassion or desire to forgive. They should suffer forever. Why should they have my forgiveness? Why should they be liberated from the guilt and the shame of their actions?

The answer is simple. Because we’ve all committed an "unforgivable” act and we all deserve forgiveness. We misunderstand the idea of what forgiving another person means. We think it sets them free; that it sends a message of, "Hey, you know that thing you did to me that was the worst thing anyone has ever done? No problem, you’re off the hook. Enjoy the rest of your life. I hope you get all the happiness in the world.” But hold on a second – that’s not what we’re saying at all.

Forgiveness is an act of self-love, self-compassion, and self-healing. Forgiveness says, "Knowing what I know now and having the life experiences I’ve now had, I release the fear that you could ever hurt me again.” It says, "I believe in my strength and in my wisdom and because of that I no longer need to blame you for my shortcomings.” Forgiveness resounds, "In punishing you I punish myself, and my life deserves to be free of punishment.”

In the end, it is less about "them,” and more about preserving the love that is most important to us. See, we don’t live fragmented lives. And so when I’ve spent a lifetime resenting you, blaming you, being angry with you – it is impossible for me to be fully authentic, trusting, present, and loving with anyone else. If I’ve spent a lifetime holding a grudge against my parent, I will doubt even the love and loyalty of my own child because I’ve allowed myself to become programmed to believe that the world is an unsafe place. If I was bullied as a child and unable to make sense of it, I will harbor that anxiety and fear in any new environment I enter and treat people accordingly. If I was mentally, emotionally, or physically abused, I will most likely see any level of intimacy or confrontation as a threat.

Harbouring upsets makes us unavailable to the people in our lives – whether we realize it or not. The more old and painful stuff I have backing up my heart, the less love I have to give you. Its as simple as that.

Forgive. Why should you? Because as spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson says, "Forgiveness offers everything you want.”

Billy Rosa is a Registered Nurse, Integrative Nurse Coach Visiting Faculty, University of Rwanda