One of the reasons I hate the English language is that it is colonial and it was forced on many of us, just like some names. I hate French as well, because French is slightly more difficult to grasp and learn than English.

But not liking the English and French languages does not translate into a total ignorance about them on my side.

Far from it. I know some pretty good English and I also know that there is no such thing in the Queen’s language as "goats meat” or "goat’s meat”. That simply sounds base and crude. 

It is either "goat meat”, or simply "goat”. 

Also, it is one thing to be "a gangsta”, and a totally different one to be simply "gangsta”. Anybody can be "gangsta” because, after all, it’s just an attitude thing –a way of thinking and seeing things. However, any attempt to be "a gangsta” in the Rwanda of today will only fetch you the quickest ticket to the most infamous (and dreaded) address in all of Nyarugenge district -Gereza 1936. 

I also speak French and I know that a cigarette-smoking break is called vacance de fumer. 

My English name, Moses is one word whose meaning I’ve never known, and besides, being a biblical name, I have this secret suspicion there are possibly thousands of other men bearing that name elsewhere. So where is the novelty? 

This is the reason I and my not-so-well-behaved friends recently took a conscious decision to rid ourselves of some of our names and replace them with more colorful ones of our own choice and making. We now only use our birth names when visiting places like the Immigration office, the police, bank, or when conducting business at our local umudugudu. 

The reason we decided to go against tradition and coin our own names is that names are supposed to tell the story of the bearer of the name. Hence the need to come up with names that either aptly describe us, or even better, those that throws light jabs on the owner. 

So when I and my gangos converge upon one of our numerous secret venues for a typical session, you won’t expect to hear such non-descript names like Peter, Paul, John, Simon and other such names. 

We have decided to replace all these with better-suited names like Mutokambali and Musemakweli and Muturage. 

One of our friends who loves to think with his legs like the coward he is whenever there is trouble recently got himself baptized a new name –Formula One, after the famous motor rally championship. 

However, to avoid any possible plagiarism law suits, dude’s name is actually spelt "Formila 1.”

Meanwhile, the most humble, least dangerous member of our gango is called "Not Nice”. The second-most humble and obedient guy in the clique is ironically named "Get Bad”. 

Personally, I go by the moniker of "Lion Path” because, like my gangos all know and admit, though rather begrudgingly, I’m the ruffest, baddest ‘n tuffest of the lot. 

Lastly, the most colorful name goes to the gang member with the biggest phobia for approaching the ladies.

He’s called "Bedroom Terrorist”.