There is more to marriage than children

What is a family? Some people define it as two adults and their kids. To me, a family is a group of people who care for each other, love each other and can count on each other at all times.

So, is the essence of family the ability to have kids? To me, no. The most important thing is being content with what God has provided and appreciating who we are.

There are many children that need the love and support of a family, so the inability to have kids should open doors for the less advantaged.

Separation is a little extreme if you ask me, and anyone who uses kids as a reason to leave another, in my opinion, didn’t love them enough to begin with.

In a society where children are expected after marriage, it is hard for a couple when they find out that they can’t have children. Before figuring out if or not you would leave a childless marriage, you might want to think about the fact that it might be you with the problem.

If it is due to natural reasons that one can’t give birth, then it would be really unfair to send away someone that you spent time building a life with because of a situation that is out of their control.

To add to that, the world we live in at the moment, finding a good spouse isn’t easy. One might leave in search for children and miss out on a good spouse, then end up getting children in a marriage that they grow to detest.

When a couple finds out that they can’t have children, they should take some time to decide what to do about it. When they are both levelheaded, they will figure something out.

Children are a gift from God and so is marriage. It should not be surprising that God declares, in Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce!” And why does He hate divorce? One reason is that marriage is meant to be a special covenant between a man, a woman, and God. When you are united with someone, it shouldn’t be with terms and conditions, if God blessed you with a partner, take them as they are and seek happiness and solutions from him.

It gives happiness that running into another marriage won’t give you.

patrick.buchana@newtimes.co.rw

No. I don’t want to look back with regret

If there is ever a time some people are free to call me mean or selfish, this is it, but would I stay in a marriage that is childless? Absolutely not. Some people will probably want to ask me how I would feel if I was the one that could not bear children. Well, the truth is; if a man left me because I cannot have children, I probably would also not hold it against him.

But let us go back to the main topic of the day. You see, the African society is not forgiving of women; whether it is something wrong that they have done or even something that is as out of their control as failure to bear children. If I was married to man who biologically cannot have children, society would expect me to appreciate that he is a good man and accept the childless path that God has chosen for us as a family. It would be close to an abomination if I went out there and got pregnant.

On the other hand, if tables turned today and it is I, who cannot get pregnant, society would feel sorry for me, (please note; sorry for me not us as a family,) but would be more accepting if my husband went out there and got someone pregnant. So is the world that we live in.

The African culture is to blame. Boys are raised to think that one is not man enough if he cannot sire children. To this day, someone dies and you will hear people exclaim that he has not left an heir or that he has died childless.

It is that serious. The pressure to have children makes an issue that can otherwise be amicably handled by the two parties involved become a challenge that sometimes makes marriages crumble.

You will hear people tell you that if your love for your spouse is strong enough, you can still live a fulfilled life without children. Not me. I started craving for children since I was a little girl and I cannot imagine being told by doctors that I can actually have children - and then sacrificing that hunger for the sake of my husband.

If he also really loves and cares about me deeply enough, I would want to think that he cannot even begin to ask or expect me to make such a sacrifice. I know that it is not anyone’s fault not to biologically have children but I would be pretending if I said that I would stay in a childless marriage.

If I did make such a sacrifice, I would always wonder, and probably later on have regrets and despise my husband for it. I refuse to be a bitter and spiteful old woman. I refuse to look back at my life with regrets of what could have been.

nash.bishumba@gmail.com