Having a complicated relationship with one’s parents is not the most unusual thing. Parents are human, and likely to make mistakes, but where does one draw the line between flaws and just plain toxic behaviour?

The idea of apologising to a child may come off as strange to some parents, out of the question even, but experts say healthy parenting means understanding children’s feelings, and apologising when at fault. For example, you could scold or punish a child because you suspect they did something wrong, and it later turns out they didn’t do it. A healthy approach would be to say you’re sorry and that you were wrong, that way, you are also imparting a great virtue.

Some parents associate ‘good parenting’ with control and heavy punishment for misbehaviour. They lack compassion and feel like the tougher they are on the child, the better that child will turn out. However, experts say that this kind of parenting can affect a child’s physical and mental wellbeing, making them vulnerable to substance abuse, low self-esteem, and other problems.

Understanding toxic parenting

Toxic parents lack the elements of a healthy parent-child relationship, such as love, warmth, nurturance, understanding, protection, and guidance, to mention a few. "They’re more self-centered than other-centered,” psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD. is quoted in the article ‘How to tell if you have a Toxic Parent’.

Damien Mouzoun, a family counsellor in Kimironko, says toxic parenting is evident when parents want to apply the same education and nurturing they received from their own parents to their children.

Such parents forget that everybody is different, and we have different observations of life. A system that worked for one child may not work for the other, he emphasises.

Mouzoun says that with toxic parenting, children experience significant trauma at the hands of their parents. These relationships may involve physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, parental substance abuse and mental health issues.

He says that when parents abuse, for example, their power on children, this may make the children lose confidence, or lose the capacity to make their own decisions.

Toxic parents can leave a lasting negative impact on their children throughout their life, which includes mental health disorders, depression, anxiety, and so forth. Young children often show signs early on that their relationship with their parents is affecting their mental and physical health, Mouzoun says.

Emmanuel Gahigana, a father of two and resident of Kicukiro, is of the view that if one is to check, some children aren’t happy because they’re violated by name-calling, or embarrassed publicly when they make mistakes. This leaves them scared and angry which breeds low self-esteem.

"Some parents expose their children to sexual content in different ways, for example, they have sex when kids are hearing, watch sexual movies or content in the kids’ presence and at times sexually molest the little ones and warn them to stay silent, a thing that is not acceptable by the law. Those kids are left broken and hurt physically, mentally and emotionally,” he says.

He says that children need to be guided and supported in everything they do, whether it’s encouraging them to participate in activities they love, grooming their talents, and helping them discover their potential, among others. However, most parents are busy with work and building their own lives and not paying attention to their kids’ dreams, ideas, and talents.

The father of two also says that if children don’t feel supported, they may give up on their talents and dreams.

"Some parents transfer all their anger and frustrations from work and their spouses to their children, they become bitter when not necessary. This develops fear for their parents or guardians,” Gahigana says.

He adds that some parents are selfish in that they cater for their needs before those of their children, yet children have more pressing needs and should be a priority.

Gahigana explains that toxic parents resort to spanking or hitting their children even for small issues that require talking to them.

He adds that toxic parents are extremely overprotective. They don’t give children, especially the older ones, an opportunity to make their decisions and learn from them, but decide to be in their business, asking who they talk to, and even spy on them to know their every move.

For him, if a child is raised well, they can differentiate what is good and bad, and wouldn’t want to disappoint their parents, which isn’t the case with overprotection as children are forced to try the world to experience why their parents are always on their neck.

Experts emphasise that toxic parenting can result to mental health disorders in childhood, such depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, mental health issues in adolescence, depression and anxiety in adulthood, difficulty managing emotions like anger, suicide attempts, drug and alcohol use, physical health problems, among others.

How to cope with toxic parenting

Mouzoun states that despite the strong effect toxic parenting can have on children, there are ways to overcome them so you can feel better.

"Whether you’re still living at home or are out on your own, you can manage your relationship with your parents by detaching from them. Always think about yourself first and remember that your life belongs to only you so learn to care for yourself,” he says.

Additionally, the family counsellor explains that children should work through their feelings by limiting what they tell their parents about their personal life. "Avoid taking responsibility for their feelings. Accept you cannot change them. And mostly, be patient with yourself because you cannot heal from years of toxic relationships overnight.”

Gahigana explains that children should open up about how their parents make them feel, especially in their free time and discuss with them how their behaviour affects them.

He asks that children understand what triggers their parents’ anger and try their best to avoid it. "Toxic parents can ruin your mood, and energy. You ought to connect with positive people, get self-care, exercise often, and do activities that give you a sense of happiness. But also, make sure you don’t carry the pain and frustration to other people,” Gahigana states.

Healthline says to make communication about boundaries clear and consistent. Stick to your guns. It’s okay to say no to your parents if they have gone too far. At the same time, stay calm and resist blaming and getting overly defensive (some parents feed on this energy).

"It’s important to take the time to think about your childhood experiences and how they shaped you. Sit with them. Think about how they make you feel. Think about how they make you act. You might find it helpful to write your feelings down or to talk with a trusted family member or friend.”

According to Cleveland Clinic, find a good therapist who can help you process your feelings and emotions, you have to recognise this is not your fault and you can change—you can work on being better and being the person you truly want to be.