Honesty is the best policy

The day a couple adopts a child with or without having their own, they get close to that child, bond with them and raise them to become like their own, hear them say their first words (if they adopted them as babies) and teach them lots of things as they grow. The bond that is built makes them feel like the child is their very own but that doesn’t change the fact that the child was adopted.

The first thing parents have to understand is that letting the child know that they were adopted doesn’t mean the love and affection they offer has to reduce or change from either side. It just means that every child needs to know the truth about their true childhood and they have to know it at the right time.

So what exactly is the right time to tell a child?

Dr Steven Nickman, an adoption specialist advises parents to introduce the word "adoption” as early as possible so that it becomes a comfortable part of a child’s vocabulary and to tell a child, between the ages of two and four that he is adopted.

However, some child welfare experts believe that when children are placed for adoption before the age of two and are of the same race as the parents, there probably is little to be gained by telling them about their adoption until they are at least four or fiveyears old. Before that time, they will hear the words but will not understand the concept.

The sooner you tell the child before their brain develops the better because if a child finds out they were adopted, their self-esteem might drop during their teenage years and it will take a while to or even never to get that esteem back.

If parents don’t tell a child and the child finds out by themselves through relatives with a ‘loose’ mouth, that situation might not go well, including the fact that the child now thinks his/her parents are liars. How many more lies are they keeping, are some of the other questions the child will be asking.

A parent who told their child about adoption is in a better position to talk to the child about their past as opposed to the one that hid the secret and the child later found out. Children that were adopted need to know what happened to their parents, who could be their relatives among many other questions.

The moment the family has other children; the adopted child starts to notice that the rest of the children have something in common that the adopted child doesn’t. As they grow up, they start asking questions. Parents need to come straight and tell the truth before the child actually grows old enough to notice the difference.

Finally, we are in a digital era, starting with Rwanda’s Irembo platform which has all information and government services online. In the dot-com era, right from childhood, children can operate iPads. A parent wouldn’t want the iPad to tell a child something that their parents should have told them.

patrick.buchana@newtimes.co.rw

Consider the child’s feelings

It is a catch 22 situation when parents reveal the truth about a child’s adoption as they risk being resented by the child. Also, there is a chance they will hurt the child after explaining the circumstances that led to their adoption.

First of all, when an adult tells a child that they were adopted; the child will instantly get the message "we are not your parents.”

It may not necessarily mean that the child now has the liberty to run around and do as he/she wishes, but it’s a statement that would greatly affect the child.

For all purposes I would like to tell a child who their biological parents are, but let’s also consider how the child came to be adopted.How do you say, "Your uncle rapedyour mother” or "Your mother left you by the street”?

Imagine how that would make the child feel or how they would react. It’s not a question of being honest but about being protective.

Most children, once they learn that they were adopted; they tend to feel unwanted. In a normal family setting, when one child is bought a new cloth, the others can be explained to and told to wait their turn. But an adopted child will always feel like they come second.

And how would they react if people started pointing out how the other children look like a grandparent or an uncle or aunt? Their sense of history and belonging will vanish regardless of how comfortable the parents try to make them. Put this together with the possibility of being bullied and considered an outsider? It’s a disaster to say the least.

A friend once told me how his foster parents told him that they took him in after accepting to give his biological parent free food. He told me that he felt inadequate and always worked three times harder than the other children in family to prove himself.

So, to tell or not to tell? I guess that’s a question that can only be answered by people in that situation. However, if you have to tell the child, consider the timing because things might never be the same again. Things such as colour, race and other physical attributes might tell a child that they are adopted but the timing and reassurance of your love towards your child is paramount. At the end of the day this isn’t about honesty, it’s about the child’s best state of mind.

dean.karemera@newtimes.co.rw