Dear ex boyfriend, I’m sorry to have laughed in your face when you suddenly showed up asking for a second chance. I didn’t mean to do that, I swear. It was a reflex action. Please don’t be upset with me. And to be clear, I wasn’t laughing at the idea of us being together again.

Well, the idea of being with you again is quite hilarious and I would never do it in this lifetime but that’s not why I laughed. It’s just that that I was confused shocked and amused all at once. 

I was confused because when you left me...wait, pause. You left me? Me? Me? Anyway, when you left me, you said it was because you had spent some time in prayer, during which God told you he had someone else in mind for you. As a good Christian, I respected God’s plan. Who was I to argue with God? If the Old Testament is anything to go by, it’s clear to me that he doesn’t take too kindly to disobedience.

But now you’re back again and this begs the question; did God change his mind? I didn’t know he could do that. Historically, he’s a god of his word. If he says he’s going to burn down a village, then believe that he will. And if he didn’t change his mind, does it mean that you’re going against his will? If that’s the case, kudos to you; I didn’t know you had it in you. But seeing as I don’t want to be on the receiving end of his wrath, I think it is for the best that you stay with what’s-her-face.

I was shocked that you came back. Before God told you that I couldn’t possibly be the one, you were already on your way out. You couldn’t comprehend how a normal female with normal hormones didn’t like flowers and teddy bears. And what kind of girl is so cold-hearted and so emotionless that you never get to see her breaking into fits of tears over you? Me. I’m that girl. Unfortunately, I haven’t changed. 

Speaking of change, you’ve changed a lot. Forgive me for being the one to say it but you’re really fat now. With all your prejudice against fat people, I could have sworn you would always be young and lean. Thanks to your constant reminder about the need for me to watch my weight, I took every piece of cake with caution and I followed every drink of soda with enthusiastic detoxification. And so I’m amused that you want to be with me. You’re the one who said that birds of the same feather flock together. Have you looked in the mirror lately?

In conclusion therefore, your request for a second chance has been denied. And yes, yes, I heard you; you’re willing to change for me. I’m glad you think I’m worth the effort, I’m flattered even. But to tell you the truth, I have such a busy schedule that there’s no space for me to invest my time and emotions in change. We wish you well and in your wise words, "Let’s keep in touch, as friends.”