Can you marry someone you have never dated? I’m sure most people today cannot even think about that because it’s perceived as old-fashioned and unrealistic. But if you asked the same question to the senior citizens, you might be surprised by their response. 

Charlotte Gatama, who has lived in Rwanda for over 70 years, says initially dating was never part of the process leading to marriage in the Kinyarwanda culture. In fact whoever dared to suggest that people first date before getting married was always looked at as an enemy bent on destroying the social fabric of society. According to Gatama, such a person was usually warned and at times punished by elders for attempting to ‘intoxicate’ others.

To ensure that the culture against dating was respected, unmarried girls were directed to always move in groups. This way, they would avoid private interaction with members of the opposite sex. However in rare cases, according to Straton Nsanzabaganwa, an adviser,  Rwanda Academy of Language and Culture, some young men and girls used to meet (date) secretly at night before settling down together.

How it was done then

Long time ago, marriages used to be arranged by parents of both the boy and girl in collaboration with community elders. As long as parents of both parties were convinced that the husband-to-be or wife-to-be were nice people, and as long as they reached an understanding on other issues such as bride price, the children would then be briefed and told to prepare for marriage. According to reports, some couples met each other for the first time on their wedding day.

Collapse of culture

But this was to change with the arrival of the missionaries in Rwanda. Nsanzabaganwa says whenever the missionaries learnt about a couple that was dating in the dark; they always encouraged them to do it in the open. They also started teaching their followers about (parents and children) how to make a good spouse and the importance of dating.

The missionaries also introduced formal education which, in many cases, required children to leave home to join far-away schools eventually detaching them from their overly watchful parents. Furthermore, many students got jobs on completion of their studies which meant they did not have to rely on their parents to get the bride price paid. Naturally, it became difficult to control their financially independent children.

In conclusion, this change of mindset and exposure to the Western way of doing things rendered a big blow to the anti-dating culture.