Dear Counselor,

I am in love with a very woman who has all the qualities I have always dreamt of and I always feel that I hit a jackpot with her. However, there is one problem. She is a Muslim and I am a Christian. I didn’t take this whole religion thing seriously because I believe in God but I am not religious, so I assumed there shouldn’t be a problem. So, try to understand my shock when she two months ago, she turned down my proposal because she claimed that she would only accept to marry me if I converted to Islam. At first, I didn’t take it seriously but she seems to be adamant. I love her and I do not want to lose her, but I also don’t want to change my religion. I feel that changing to a religion that I don’t know takes away so many things from me. I also do not want to disappoint my mother who is a staunch Christian and has single handedly raised us. I don’t want to lose this woman but she seems determined to let the relationship go if I don’t convert, what can I do?

Joshua

The Counselor’s thoughts...

Joshua,

All religions in the world seek for the truth of one God/Allah. In my opinion, seeking this truth has nothing to do with the earthly romantic love. My parents always taught me to seek the truth and follow it wherever it led me; and that is my driving factor in religion. Your reason for converting is more romantic than spiritual. If you convert for the sake of this girl and later separate, will you be converted by the next new catch? Won’t you end up a religious tourist?

Your independent feeling and position with regard to this truth is important to finally determine your religious destiny. Do you actually believe in Islam 100%?  Trust me on this. If you convert, you are signing away your right to stand against absolutely anything Islamic, no matter how morally wrong, and your right to stand for absolutely anything un-Islamic, no matter how morally respectable.

You must also keep in mind that in Islam, it is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. In the eyes of Islam, you’re an infidel. This will create many problems, not only for your relationship with your partner, but also your future children, your immediate family and her family. Remember you were born of one irreplaceable woman on earth and that is your precious mother. Breaking ties with her in the name of converting to Islamic would somewhat declare you defiant to your mom and will potentially ruin that parental-child relationship

The girl’s desire to convert you seems to have the upper hand on you. Find out if your love is well-balanced? If she loves you unconditionally, why doesn’t she take you with all you have including your religion? After all you’re a man. I see you are committed to her more than she is to you. Consider getting the girl and breaking bridges with your mother or holding back to stay a committed son. Good luck in your struggle.

Should Joshua convert? Readers advise

It’s not a big deal

It’s obvious that you will find many people telling you to call it off if she is insisting on you converting to her religion. However, one thing you should know is that a good and strong family is built on a foundation of a particular religion. There is a common saying that "a family that prays together lives together” thus in my opinion, if you really love her, then joining her religion shouldn’t be an issue.

Jean Bosco Nshimiyimana, Driver

Nothing is more stressful like joining a religion you don’t know anything about. What matters most is that you believe in God and if you really mean something to her, she should also look at this situation the same way. True faith in God not in religion is what should be a yardstick. Don’t give up; keep explaining to her what is more important, if she refuses to take it then you should know that maybe she was not meant for you.

Immaculée Bansabire, Teacher

For someone who says that she loves you, your fiancé is acting like someone who doesn’t care. As people who love each other, no one should be forcing their religion on their partner. A good couple is the one that prioritizes things that they have in common instead of their differences. It’s good to have a marriage based on faith but without love, faith is also useless. To talk to your fiancé to focus on love, it is the bigger picture in this relationship.

Arthur Ntashamaje, Teacher

What’s the use of joining a religion for the sake of pleasing someone yet spiritually you are not there? If she really loves you, she shouldn’t be forcing you to join her religion. A strong marriage is built by the couple’s faith in God not religion. This is a decision you both need to take, mostly in favor of love because that’s where your bond lies. Don’t let something as trivial as religion separate you.

Espérance Mujawamariya, Nurse

There is no doubt that you need your families’ blessing before you get married. The fact that they are both from different religions will eventually have them involved anyway.

Don’t hide such important issues from them because, after all, any decision you make will affect them.

Théoneste Mutabazi, Teache

Feed back from our Facebook followers:

Re-evaluate your relationship

It appears to me that your fiancé is one foot into the relationship and one foot out. For instance, people who love each don’t make religion a priority and they most definitely do not give you ultimatums. She is supposed to be open to suggestions and should give you a chance to have a say. I doubt if she truly loves you.

Ingabire Murerwa, Managing Partner-Consulting firm

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Don’t hurry to make a decision

Don’t disappoint your own family for the sake of pleasing a woman who doesn’t even respect your religion as a man. In our culture, a woman is supposed to go with a man’s religion. I find your fiancé’s attitude poor and not in consideration of what you deserve as a man. Think about what you truly want and don’t rush into this decision. Continue convincing her to reconsider and let it go.

Angelique Asiimwe, Hotel Receptionist

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Weigh the cons and pros

Sometimes we take many things for granted for the sake of love but at some point we need to be cautious. For instance, giving in to your fiancé’s demands is risky because in future, she will come for more and you will be stuck. Take time to rethink both sides of the story and I hope you make the right decision.

Ruth Dusabe, Broker 

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Consult a marriage counselor

I’m sorry to say this but your fiancé seems uninterested in marriage. The way she is insisting on religion says something about her priorities. God is the true religion and it’s important that you have figured that out. Take her through a journey of knowing what is important in life and also consider seeing a counselor; you’re not the first one to face this problem and their experience can guide you through.  Don’t rush to make any decision; marriage regrets are unbearable.

Benon Shyaka, Marketing Executive