When I got married, we did not have kids and my husband only came home over the weekend. I thought of my cousin’s daughter who was left to my very old grandmother in absolute poverty.

She was not in school. I asked my husband if we could help her which he graciously accepted.

She was 10. Her mum had remarried but didn’t want anything to do with the kid. I brought her to the city, put her in school and treated her like she was our own child, even after getting our own kids. She studied till S4 and I took her for a vocational course, and even got her a good job.

Then hell broke loose. It’s a good tailoring company that pays her well. She started calling my kids awful names and would even tell them how stupid they are – "just like their mother”. She would brag about money and even insinuated to neighbours how me and my husband are struggling. I felt like dying. Then one evening she disappeared (I hear she is married but do not know her exact whereabouts). The problem is, the mum (my cousin) is now demanding for her daughter and she says I am the one who brought her to the city so I should look for her. I have no idea where to start and, frankly, no interest either. But the woman keeps coming to my home and making noise. I’ve asked around but no one seems to know the girl’s exact whereabouts. What can I do?

Martha

The counselor’s thoughts...

You deserve special gratitude for your gallant action of offering to sacrifice your precious time, finances and parental care to nurture and educate your cousin’s abandoned daughter. This was indeed noble and every person with a parental soul should highly commend you for it.

Your cousin’s daughter and her mother, however, don’t seem to appreciate the special contribution you made to this girl’s development. Just don’t be stirred, what is important is that you played your part. Bringing her up and educating her are two special blessings you accumulated for yourself and this is automatic for it does not require her endorsement.

Helping someone is not an assurance that they will have to equally reciprocate. There are people in every society who never appreciate anything good done for them even if you offered them heaven and earth. Her conduct is pathetic and you can never transform her into exactly what you want her to be. Never allow depression about this girl to take over any precious moment of your life.

The world is watching her closely; you won’t be there when she will face reality of paying for her wrongs. In fact, her marriage should be cherished as a relief to you, considering her unusual conduct plus her bad attitude towards your children.

For safety purposes however, you should report the case of her disappearance to the nearest police station so you can safeguard yourself against the mother’s demand for her daughter.

Stand firm and tell the mother about the girl’s age and that she qualifies to have a right to make her own decisions, including when and who to marry, and that she didn’t involve you in her decision making process.

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Your feedback: Readers advise Martha

You did your best

Alex Nshimiyimana

Her disappearance is not your fault. She is mature enough to go wherever she wants, so you need to make your cousin aware of that fact. You did your best to raise her and laid a foundation for her future, so if she chose to leave, you shouldn’t be the one to blame.

Let her mom look for her

Cedric Izabayo

Someone who is married shouldn’t give you such a hard time. She decided to leave and that’s that. Also, she isn’t a child that you should worry about her location. Tell her mom that it’s not your responsibility to find out where she is.

Don’t stop being a good guardian

Fassy Ingabire

This is common among girls who after succeeding, blindly fall for temptations. Since you helped her when everyone had abandoned her, kindly do the same now. She might be stranded wherever she is; be a good guardian again and try your best to find where she is.

You need to be concerned

Jean Hakuzweyesu

This shouldn’t be happening after all the good things you helped her achieve. Girls tend to make such mistakes but when life turns sour for her, she will return. However, as a responsible guardian, you need to continue to be concerned about her disappearance and keep looking.

Follow up on her whereabouts

Josepher Bamusabire

Though you can’t be blamed for her disappearance, you need to help your cousin find her daughter. When young girls get money they turn wild and think they understand life more than the people who raised them. This is a serious situation which requires compromise.

Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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Her mother is not serious

Peter Simon

Her mother should be ashamed of herself for remembering her daughter after all this time. She shouldn’t scare you because it was her daughter’s decision to leave. Too bad your good deeds didn’t yield anything positive. You did nothing wrong, all you need to do is wait and see if she will return. As for your cousin, tell her to give you a break.

It’s not your fault

Claude Nsengimuremyi

You can’t be blamed for her disappearance. A person who is ready to take on marriage is of age. She decided to move on and so you shouldn’t be the one to take the blame. In my opinion, you should ignore your cousin. You did well.

She might be in trouble

Ruth Dusabeyesu

Those are the challenges that come with helping people. Be calm, even with your cousin who is blaming you for her irresponsible daughter’s disappearance. As a mother, you need to understand what it means to lose a daughter, so you should intervene and keep looking for her. She might be in danger.

Don’t accept negativity

Patrick Ndungutse

Don’t let your cousin make you feel uncomfortable. Helping her daughter get out of a poor life in the village was a noble thing. Don’t accept negativity or blemish regarding your good deeds. She is ungrateful but you should remain proud of yourself.

Good deeds don’t go unrewarded

Jolly Mutavu

Let her mother take the responsibility to find her irresponsible daughter; after all she didn’t care about her earlier. Ignore the threats and upsetting words; all you did was noble work and that should be your source of pride. Good deeds never go unrewarded.

This is not your problem

Eugene Gasigwa

As long as you didn’t chase her away from your home, then you don’t deserve to be threatened or blamed by her mother. We all know how young girls behave when they are employed; they lose control; become unruly and are completely ungrateful. She will come back when things get tough and as for your cousin, just ignore her.

Be a good parent

Nelson Kamanzi

That’s life my dear, good deeds sometimes can be unrewarding and literally frustrate you. This leaves you feeling hopeless or cautious regarding helping people, most especially relatives. But no matter how ungrateful she acted, you need to be a great parent and follow up on her whereabouts.

She will be grateful one day

Leticia Muregatete 

People will always blame us for other people’s wrongs and irresponsible character. One day she will remember and understand your good heart and will humble herself and come back home to express her gratitude. If you find her, well and good, but if you don’t; you’re free from trouble.