Most of the friends I make tend to disappear within a short time. I don’t know why. Is it because I surround myself with people I do not share interests with?

For example, they love to party like crazy. I don’t. In fact, I am the kind of a person who would rather take a walk or stay indoors and read a book or watch a movie. And if I really have to meet up with them, I prefer meeting them over a cup of coffee, ice cream, lunch/dinner or to watch movies together.

I’ve also realised that some of them can’t stand the sight of me anymore. I know this because whenever I meet them, be it at the shopping mall or anywhere, they do not even have the courtesy to say ‘hello’. It’s that bad! I am a little bit worried. I am tempted to ask them what the problem is. I am also beginning to ask myself, ‘What the hell am I doing wrong?’

And why can’t someone be nice to me?

Jacinta

The counselor’s thoughts...

Dear Jacinta,

True friendships require some hard work, remarkable understanding and commitment, not only to attain, but also to maintain and nurture. Good friends are hard to find but if you luckily find those that fit your interests, then this requires care and humility which are not merely useful attributes but rather the heart and soul of friendship. To achieve this, try the following steps;

Be yourself. When you pursue hobbies and activities you enjoy, you have a good chance of meeting people with similar interests.

Be persistent. Apply similar tactics when pursuing a potential friend. Set a goal. It might sound superficial but that way, you’ll be more open to meeting people and starting in-depth conversations.

Show appreciation. Don’t take them for granted. Show interest in your friends’ life and, hopefully, you’ll have a friend who shows interest in you as well.

Be a good listener. When your friends talk to you about something that’s going on in their lives, listen. Good relationships are built on communication, love, and trust, so building trust will constantly show them that you can be trusted and dependable.

Don’t gossip about your friend. Gossip spreads quickly and can hurt or damage the relationship so learn to keep secrets safe.

Have fun together. Do things that you both enjoy. Help friends during hardships. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Handle arguments maturely. When you and your friend have a conflict, don’t lash out and yell at them, instead, talk about your problems calmly and solve it rationally.

However, some friends really have complex personalities, be selective when picking friends and if one seems quite impossible to connect with, then you have to let go because by virtue of being human, you can never be good to everyone.

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Your feedback: Readers advise Jacinta

Take interest in their hobbies

Carol Mugabo

In my opinion, I think you should avoid showing your friends that you don’t enjoy their hobbies. It doesn’t matter if what they do doesn’t interest you; you don’t have to be against it or show that it irritates you somehow. People like those who give value to their interests and hobbies even when they don’t necessarily enjoy them. Learn to appreciate what your friends like and they will appreciate your company.

Find people you can relate to

Emmy Imanizabayo

Don’t beat yourself up for not keeping friends, as you say, it might be true that you don’t share common interests with your friends. I believe there are many people out there who share the same interests and hobbies as you do, find some and friendship will work itself out.

Keep in touch

Justine Munyaneza

Friendship is all about keeping in touch. Friends are likely to disappear once you are out of touch for some time. The connection fades away and this ends the friendship. You need to check yourself and see if their disappearance isn’t because of that. Silence is dangerous for any friendship.

They don’t deserve you

Solange Mucyeshimana

Friendship works out naturally as long as you do what is necessary. Don’t be hard on yourself for not keeping your friends, may be some don’t even deserve to be your friends. If you’re being good to them then they should return the favour, and if not, then move on, good ones will come some day.

Make them feel appreciated

Eric Nkurikiye

In my opinion all you need is to show appreciation to your friends. Given your differences, it appears that you don’t take their interests seriously and that makes them feel out of place when they are with you. Show some appreciation and things will work out in your favour.

Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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Don’t judge them

Robert Muneza

Keeping and maintaining a friendship needs a strong character at times. Don’t push them to like your hobbies or interests and don’t judge them for enjoying things you find strange. Friendship means being with people who can be around you comfortably. You need to work on that.

You are wasting time

Christine Mbabazi

Don’t waste your time trying to win over people who are not interested in being your friends. If you don’t share any interests and you’re nice to them like you said, the truth is they don’t deserve to have a friend like you. Be focused and find some friends in the places you hang out.

Show interest in them

Tito Gakire

Sometimes friends are not easy to find. My advice is that you show interest in your friend’s life. You can have your differences but there are many other factors that can hold friendship together, like showing interest in each other’s life. You should do that, I have no doubt the impact will be positive.

Don’t ignore them

Gisa Kayitana

Bad friends exist but the way I see it, you’re not doing what it takes to keep them. In fact, you are putting your differences at the forefront. Be a good listener. So don’t ignore your friends or show them that you have nothing to talk about since you don’t share hobbies.

They will come around

Jackline Nyirashumbusho

There is no doubt that friends are greatly needed in everyone’s life. Don’t give up; keep being nice to them. If your friend is involved in an activity that they care about, show that you care. Eventually, they will return the favour.

You have nothing in common

Fabrice Iradukunda

Friendship is boosted by shared interests, so if you don’t share any interests, there is no doubt your friendship will collapse. The best move remains to find people you have something in common with.

Keep being nice

Jackson Tumwebaze

Just keep being nice to your friends, sometimes it requires extra commitment to maintain friendships. Be supportive and keep in touch more often and don’t put all the blame on your differences; we all have friends we literally don’t share interests with.

Don’t be desperate

Angelique Mutesi

Sometimes friends can be frustrating and make you desperate when they keep disappearing from you, mostly when you least expect it. However, you don’t have to be desperate. As long as your heart tells you it’s not your fault, then you’re on a good side. Be calm and wait, good and deserving friends will come one day.